My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.

I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone

For Halloween I'm just gonna talk shit to complete strangers and go as the internet.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions.