Holiday Jokes

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn Neighbor: "Confused about who to vote for?" Me: "What? No! I'm making a Halloween haunted house."

I'm gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking or cursing, it involves less of me.

Imagine how slutty girls would dress if Halloween was in July.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don't watch.

At the water cooler, just "accidentally" splashed my pants to hide some pee. This Christmas, I'll give the office a chocolate fountain.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don't understand my son's Christmas list.

"Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?" *sigh* "Because you don't b-" "BECAUSE WE DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU"

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

I'll be going to my friend's Halloween party as a trapped Chilean miner unable to go to a friend's Halloween party.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they're in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now. Anxiety: Haha...Christmas.

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town Not a creature was Tweeting, cause favstar was down.

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don't work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

The worst part of a Halloween party with a bunch of techies is bobbing for apps.

I'm already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today.

Ahhh.......I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

*feminist at thanksgiving dinner* "dad will u use your white privilege to pass the salt"

Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble! Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble CW: What was that? Me: You too

Halloween and Valentine's day are pretty much the same thing... people dress up and pretend to be someone they're not for some sugar