Holiday Jokes

On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day, Carol. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday.

If I ever wake up on Christmas Day and there's a Mercedes outside with a giant ribbon on it, I'm gonna assume it has an ignition bomb

Roses are infrared Violets are infrared I'm hunting you for sport And soon you'll be dead -a valentine from the Predator

My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can't remember to flush the toilet.

The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

I'm an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

I need to do just one more beheading & this will be the best New Year's revolution, ever!

Just when I thought we'd avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

Every year on Valentine's Day, I put a smile on my wife's face by taking down the Christmas tree.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip "Syrian Refugee 1 and 2" onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

As I get older, more and more of my Christmas wish list is just stuff I need from the grocery store.

My wife is from England so I gave her a good Rogering for Valentine's Day. He just left and she seemed to enjoy it, so... score?

Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

I know what I'm getting for Christmas. Fat. I'm getting fat.

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

My Easter wish is for Paul Simon to finally turn cannibal, if only because I'm beyond ready for him to record "Fifty Ways to Eat Your Lover"

Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.

I ask WebMD to diagnose the weird brown mole I just noticed. "1. Is it delicious?" ...Yes? "2. Were you eating Easter candy in bed?" ...Oh.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas." Later... "All I want for Christmas is you." EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.