Holiday Jokes

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

For Halloween I'm goin to go as lost weed. Cause that's everyone's nightmare.

My neighbor still has his christmas lights up. Not to be out done, I won't remove my politcal yard signs until November 2012.

My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.

Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I'm drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.

I got my born-again mother an FML shirt for Christmas. Telling her it means Father, My Lord.

Happy Valentines Day. And Merry Christmas to FTD, Hallmark and Zales.

*walkig around department store that is full of wat clearly are christmas decorations* its haloween again ALREADY??

Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage Elves: no! Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.

Stores and their non-secular agendas have switched from selling Christmas stuff to Valentine's Day stuff, completely ignoring Toyotathon.

Me: Where's your maternity section? Her: Over there. How far along is she? Me: Her? I'm shopping for my Thanksgiving pants. Her...

As it turns out, if you're with a group of people, it's "Christmas caroling." If you do it alone it's "creating a public nuisance."

Has the passing of the holidays left you feeling alone in the world, unloved and depressed? Don't worry, Valentine's Day is coming right up!

TV Anchor: I don't have my Halloween costume yet but it's going to be cool and wet! Me: Wow you go girl! TVA: turning to weather... M: Oh...

Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas.

Only 3 more weeks until my Christmas lights change from "still being up" to "being up early".

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can't stop stripping.

If Ryan Gosling doesn't ask me to be his valentine, I'm moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

[first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, im not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd

While they're a lot of fun on Halloween, did you know most jack-o'-lanterns end up at the pound? Please. Next year, carve a puppy.

This year's Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Me: I can't get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it. Whiskey: Yes you can.