Holiday Jokes

I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa's lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas... The more you know.

"No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door" *Door slams - Jehova's Witnesses

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn't miss the target every time he shoots.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room."

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas? Me: drugs. Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

Also, to all the people with egg avatars... have you thought about where you'll hide on Easter yet?

This Halloween, make your friends run in terror by walking into their parties as "guy with acoustic guitar".

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

That time of year again. Time to impregnate some chick at the office Christmas party and use my bonus to pay for the abortion. Pff holidays.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Her: Wasn't it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard...

The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else's birthday.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day... ""HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?"" The second little boy pauses and says ""well I got a gift card and a t-shirt...you?"" The first little boy excitedly replies ""Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!"" to which the second little boy replies ""well...at least I don't have cancer...""

Best christmas joke about Obama, (racist) So I was walking through Wal-Mart looking to buy new ornaments for my christmas tree, when I saw an Obama ornament. Funny, I didn't know it was acceptable to hang a black man from a tree again.

Nativity scene in the Capitol The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

A man is driving along the highway... on his way home for Christmas, when his car's engine starts to spit and sputter. He pulls into the nearest town and finds the mechanic. The mechanic tells him that it will take a few hours to fix the car and there's a diner down the street where he can grab a bite to eat while he waits. The man walks down to the diner and grabs a seat. After looking over the menu, he orders the eggs benedict. After a short while, his meal arrives on a hubcap. Apart from the …

A guy is trying to make some extra cash by working as Santa in a shopping mall. The day is filled with hundreds of kids who are excited to tell Santa what they want for Christmas. But then one boy walks up, and he looks very sad. The guy says, ""Ho ho ho! What would you like for Christmas, little boy?"" The boy says, ""I want my daddy to stop hitting my mommy."" The guy is shocked, and speechless for a minute. After he regains his composure, he leans over to the child, who is nealy in tears, and…

A child is trick or treating... A child is trick or treating on Halloween all alone. He goes up to a house and a nice man asks him where his buccaneers are. The child says "" on the sides of by buccanhead!""