Holiday Jokes

The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.

If you are considering decorating your car for Christmas, please seek immediate mental help.

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights... I bet he's pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

It would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

It must have been something to watch MC Escher's kids run down the stairs on Christmas morning for all eternity.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

My kid just told me all she wants for Christmas is a bell so she can "make lots of money like the man outside walmart."

Things you can't touch: 1. Happines 2. The Easter Bunny 3. Your wife's sister 4. This

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

[Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because...tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day

Picked up our Christmas tree from the lot today AND my wife hasn't shaved in 3 weeks. Noble fir in the streets. Noble fur in the sheets.

I can't wait for thanksgiving. It's an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone's getting disowned.

And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don't enjoy them. Plz understa

"Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny's ears then broke off its head. I'm sleeping with the lights on.

Headline: "Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey" My 1st thought was, "Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo." I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

Dearest wife, The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender Me: Wouldn't you rather have your life together?

3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone.

THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog