Holiday Jokes

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I'm having fond memories of when he couldn't talk.

Cashier: "Look at all this candy! You're going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween" Me: "It's Halloween?"

Christmas breakup: play Lexus commercial theme, when they run outside have all their crap packed for them on your driveway, lock the door.

5,"So we don't get to open any presents today?" Me, "No." 5, "So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"

Christmas cards are how old people say, "Hey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not!"

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

I tell my child, "10 minutes till bed!" She hears me say, "Go put on a Halloween costume." Why?

"Dad why was I called Holly?" cos u were born at a special time of year "And me dad?" yes Summer and u too "And me too dad?" yes Easter-Egg

Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

Find a way to dress up as "accidentally liking someone's Facebook picture from 2 years ago" and really scare people this Halloween.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

"Enjoying your day off?" - what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

I wanted to dress as Glenn Beck for Halloween, but I couldn't find enough ignorance and hate.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

On Halloween I'm going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we're going through with this election.

I'm going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

I buy bags of Halloween candy and boxes of razor blazes just to see the look on the cashier's face.

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I'm so confused.

NEW YEAR'S LOGIC 1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun. 2. Time to lay off chocolate.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Changed Grandma's email signature to "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!"

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

If I was super religious, I'd celebrate Easter by getting nailed.