I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

This year's Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics