My wife just sent me a text " I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)" .....I hope she misspelled Xbox

ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) ...vegetables.

To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

*gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*