Holiday Jokes

I'm not sure if putting Christmas lights up would offend my Jewish neighbours. So just to be sure, i'll hang a massive swastika in my window too.

Three men died on Christmas Eve Three men died on christmas eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It's a candle"", he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates"" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook the…

Why do Mexicans make tamales for Christmas? To have something to unwrap.

My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.

Whats the best christmas present? A broken drum You just can't beat it ba dum tisssssss

A man buys a Christmas tree. As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, ""Are you putting the tree up yourself?"" The man replies, ""Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room.""

Whats the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas? When he gets a sweater, but he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.

What is a mother's favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.

Santa: What do you want for Christmas? Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend?

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the US Capital this Christmas The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

What do you call a dog on the beach? Sandy Claws Merry Christmas

A guy wore a Hanukkah shirt to a Christmas party... He was in the Menorah Tee.

What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother? HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

Christmas Shopping Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas. Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, ""Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."" Bob said, ""Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."" Little tears started to flow down …

The McRib is back. Because you're getting new underwear for Christmas anyway.

I'd like, my very first pubic hair! A small girl sits on Santa's lap at the shopping mall. He asks her 'and what would YOU like for Christmas, little girl?' She thinks for a moment and says 'umm, I'd like my very first pubic hair!' Santa: 'no problem! Is it okay if it's a gray one?'

Lunch with Dad. A Dad took his two boys, ages 4 and 6 to a diner for lunch while out Christmas shopping. The waitress asked the older boy what he wanted and he said, ""I'll have a damn cheeseburger!"" Angry that his son had cussed, and in public, the Dad reflexively back handed him off his stool. The waitress, nonplussed, asked the younger boy what he wanted to eat. The boy replied, ""Well I'm not getting a cheeseburger, that's for sure.""

What is robin going to get for Christmas? An oviposition set

My dad says he hates surprises... So I wrapped all his Christmas presents in cellophane.

Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party. It was a total buzzkill.

I thought I would be proud of sealing all the Christmas cards myself But the whole ordeal just left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

The Annual Office Christmas Party After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. ""Louise,"" he moaned, ""tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"" ""Even worse,"" she assured him in her most scornful one. ""You made a complete ass of yours…

A Short Christmas Story When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards crac…

What did the kid with no hands get for christmas? gloves! just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet...

Nun in a taxi... A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'' ''Well, I've always had a f…