Holiday Jokes

I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

Suzy Why did Suzy fall of the swings? Cause she had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Suzy. What did Suzy get for Christmas? Gloves Ha Ha just kidding that's mean We actually don't know she hasn't opened it yet.

Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison? Treeson.

I invited OJ Simpson to my Thanksgiving dinner. He's good at carving white meat.

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If... You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.' You think Dom Perig…

Don't fart in the bed... This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was co…

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year... You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Happy Thanksgiving!

Somebody stole my Thanksgiving turkey... I suspect fowl play (IT'S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)

It's almost Thanksgiving day... Remember to set all your scales back 10 pounds tonight.

There are 3 perks of having Alzheimer 1. You can make new friends every day. 2. You can look for the Easter eggs you hid yourself. 3. You can make new friends every day.

Thanksgiving. The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.

All Canadians are hipsters because they all celebrated Thanksgiving a month before it was cool.

Waiting for Santa to come. I don't mind Santa coming. He is pretty stressed around the holiday season and he deserves a good release. Its finding a drug store open to Christmas day that sells plan B that I struggle with. Next year I would appreciate if Santa would empty his sack some place else.

My mom wants a new cooking skillet for Christmas. I haven't got the dough, but oh well, we'll see how things pan out.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year. We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

Holiday Joke Three polocks were walking down the street when they got hit by a truck.They all died and went to the gates of heaven where Saint Peter was waiting. Saint Peter said ok, I've got to give you a quiz to make sure you're good enough to get into heaven. So Peter ask the first polock ""What is Easter""? The first polock gets excited and says ""I know this one...that's when the guy with the big red suit comes down from the chimney""...BOOM! ...a bolt of lightning hits the polock and insta…

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy. Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal.

Entrance to Heaven Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. ""In order to get in,"" he tells them, ""you must each produce something representative of the holidays."" The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. ""This represents a candle of hope."" Impressed, Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ""These are bells."" He's allowed in too. ""So,"" Peter says to the third man, ""what do yo…

When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

People keep comparing the election to Empire Strikes Back or Revenge Of The Sith... Personally I would have gone with The Star Wars Christmas Special

People question the Christmas present I got for my mother They say a fridge is a terrible gift when she already has one. But when I saw here face light up upon opening it, all doubts where gone.

Mommy, why am I getting my Christmas presents in august? ""Because it's cheaper than chemo""

At the rate this year's going so far... I'm probably not going to get that puppy for Christmas.

Struggling with Christmas Presents??? If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas... Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it!