My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn't do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas! Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.

One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.