Holiday Jokes

a little boy's Christmas A little boy went to see Santa. He was sitting on Santas lap and Santa says to the boy, ""I know what you want for Christmas, you want a B O O K (Santa spells the word book, with each letter he taps the boy on the nose) Little boy replies, ""No. Thats not what I want for Christmas"". Santa says, ""Then I know what you want for Christmas,"" Santa taps the boy on the nose and spells, ""B I K E"". Again the little boy says,"" No. That is not what I want for Christmas"". San…

My neighbours really like Halloween They dress up as ghost every weekend and go out for lynch.

I told my gf she'd look hotter with her hair back. Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. I don't know why she's so upset, I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend. She has her whole life to get her hair back, I only have 153 days until Valentine's Day. (Combined 2 jokes I heard plus added the last part).

So these three blondes die trying to jump the Grand Canyon... Fortunately for them, they were all Christians, so they went straight up to Heaven and met Saint Peter at the gate. He put down his newspaper and greeted the women with a smile. ""Alright ladies, I have no problem letting you into Heaven, but you need to answer me one simple question- what is Easter?"" ""Oh that's easy!"" The first blonde steps forward ""It's that holiday when the Pilgrims came to America and we celebrate all of our b…

This is a story of a perfectly married couple. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts ou…

What did the bad rapper get for Christmas? J Coal

when i got asked to do the thanksgiving prayer Thanks Obama!

What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas? Gloves. Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!

My daughter asks for Frozen stuff for Christmas, so i bought her frozen chips and a packet of peas

A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present so santa send him a sumo wrestler

I'm not a good cook. At Christmas my family got together and bought me a stove that flushes.

Is the dog ending in Silent Hill 2 an easter egg? Or is it actually canine in the storyline?

If you were born in September... Then, you can be sure that your parents started the New Year, with a bang.

What did the blind, def and mute kid get for Christmas? Cancer

Two brothers wake up on Christmas morning... They rush downstairs to see what they got from Santa. The younger one asked for a bicycle and sure enough, he got a bicycle. The older brother asked for an XBox, but it was nowhere to be found. Instead he found a baseball bat. His little brother started taunting him, ""Nanananana, I got a bicycle, you didn't get your XBox, nanananana!"" So the older brother calmly puts the bat on his shoulder, turns to his brother, and says ""Well, at least I don't ha…

A kid is lining up to see Santa at the Mall When his turn comes, the kid walks up and sits on Santa's lap. Santa asks, ""Now, what would you like for christmas, kid?"" The kid says: ""I want a unicorn!"" Santa then says, ""Sorry kid, but I can't give you one of those. What else would you like?"" The kid thinks for a moment, then replies: ""I want all politicians to be honest"" Santa then says: ""What color do you want the unicorn?""

A Nun is teaching a religion class She asks the children if they know the story of what Easter is all about? First one raises a hand and she calls on him. ""It's all about candy, and the Easter Bunny"" She tells him to sit down and calls another child to answer. He says, "" it's all about Jesus dying for our sins"". Happily, she asks him to go on. ""Well Jesus died, and was buried, and on the third day he arose and walked out of the tomb"" ""Yes, that's right"", she says, ""what is the rest of t…

I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas. They start off as cars and stay that way.

{Long} Santa's Past A white man enters a hotel asking for a room for the night. The person at the front desk says, ""We have one room left but it's haunted."" ""I don't believe in ghosts."" The white man replies and goes up to the room. He unlocks the door enters and hears, ""I'm the ghost of Mable fable cut off your balls and lay em on the table."" The white man quickly runs out the room and leaves. A black man enters the same hotel a bit later and approaches the front desk. ""I'd like a room f…

Why cant programmers tell the difference between christmas and thanksgiving? Because oct 31 = dec 25

I haven't had a server go down on me that long since New Year at Hooters. Edit for explanation: https://techcrunch.com/2016/08/11/reddit-is-currently-experiencing-a-major-outage/

LITTLE JOHNNY'S HALLOWEEN Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. ""Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"" ""My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!"" replied Johnny. ""Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?"" the old lady retorted. ""No,"" said Johnny, ""but he minded his own freakin' business.""

What does the nationalist sing at Christmas? Jingo Bells.

Some guy came to my house wearing ACU's begging for food, so I slapped him in the head and said ""Stolen Valor""..... Next thing I know the police at my door and the little pricks mom is behind them saying she wants me arrested for assaulting her son and ruining Halloween

I went to a Halloween party where everyone was dressed like a sore thumb Not me, no, I stuck out like a vicar.