Kids go as the devil and bigfoot on Halloween all the time, but I go as a pedophile and suddenly I'm a weirdo.

[christmas lights are being put up] Every moth ever: oh hell yeah

In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.

(NEW YEARS) what did the rabbi say on New year's. ""f#ck that, happy **Jew** years!!""