Canada Jokes

Scottish fellow skiing in Canada A Scottish guy went on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retired to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After four or five whiskeys he looked up and noticed a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. “What is that?” he asked the bartender. The bartender replied, “It’s a moose.” “Och!” the Scottish chap shouted back. “How big are the cats?”

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank God I live in Canada!

Wwhat do they call Miley Cyrus in canada? Kilometery Cyrus

Times were tough. We lived in the bush when I was growing up, my dad was a float plane pilot shuttling loggers around - he'd bought a piece of land close to where he worked. In the winter time, the lake we were on froze and we were on our own unless we wanted to skidoo 6 hours to the nearest town. My dad, also a hunter, was keen on keeping his family fed - so he'd often use the guise of our remoteness to to maybe, bend the laws a smidge to provide some nourishment. Early one spring, he was o…

Taxidermist A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," …

Two Irishmen went to Canada to look for work Heading up north, they came upon a logging camp with a sign saying "Tree Fellers Needed". "Look at that, Sean!" said one of them. "Shame there's only two of us."

There were two young men from the South who loved to fish and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.” The fellow in the s…

Few people remember Canada had two Prime-Ministers with the same surname. It's Trudeau

I just found out that Canada isn't real Turns out if was all maple leaf.

A couple were driving through Canada on their way out west. After a while it became clear they had made a wrong turn and got lost. The wife consulted the road map but couldn't figure out where they were. They were driving along a rural road when they saw a farmer standing by the road. "I'll pull over and see if he can help," the husband says. He gets out of the car and asks the farmer "My wife and I seem to have taken a wrong turn. Can you tell me where we are?" "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," t…

I was driving in Michigan and saw a sign at the border in Detroit that said “Canada Dry.” I really wanted a drink, so I turned around and went home.

My Father Didn't Serve In Vietnam Because Of A Problem With His Feet They were in Canada

How did Canada get it's name? They put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and pulled them out one at a time... "C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

Johnny is at it again. Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G' 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T? 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Feck All', he says, ' F-E-C-K-A-L-L'. The tea…

Dapple's Car Accident Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn. Dapple was driving through the snow-covered streets of Toronto when a moose, yes, a moose, darted out onto the road. In a panic, Dapple swerved his car and ended up in a spectacular collision with a snowpl…

How did a Chinese guy end up with a Tamil name? I recently met a Chinese man in Toronto and got to know that his name was Kandasamy. I asked him, "How did you get a name like that being Chinese?" He said, “Many, many years ago when I first arrived in Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter, and the man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.” The lady at the counter looked at him and asked, “What is your name?" The Sri Lankan refugee replied "Kand…

Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it

Russia just warned it’s citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit. I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese. EDIT: Wow. I did NOT expect this. Please check me out at https://linkpop.com/illgates <3

A Scottish guy goes on holiday in Canada He befriends a local at the bar. As they are stumbling home he sees a gigantic animal across the road. "Whats that?" he slurs. "Oh that's just a moose." "Och! If that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"

"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said. Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier. He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat." That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my way to Canada.

‘I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.’ Told that he was being transferred to Chicago, a Seattle office worker said he would rather quit his job than move there. ‘What’s the problem?’ asked his boss. ‘You’ll be getting a big salary increase and much improved benefits. I thought you’d jump at the chance.’ ‘It’s the crime rate,’ explained the worker. ‘I just wouldn’t feel safe taking my wife and kids to such a violent city.’ ‘That’s nonsense,’ said the boss. ‘Chicago is a fantastic city, steeped in…

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, \- "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, \- "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The…

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it "A moose" replied the bartender "Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handl…

You may live in Canada . If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada . If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada . If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada . If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Kelowna for the weekend, You may live in Canada . If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada . If you kn…