Canada Jokes

What I tell people is the great Canadian joke Bob and Doug lived in the northern wilds of Canada. Winter was approaching so they went out to chop wood to keep them warm during the cold months. After working all day they had gathered a respectable amount of firewood and were feeling pretty exhausted. Bob turns to Doug and says "Well, what do you think? Do we have enough? What if we have a really cold winter?" They discussed this for a while and finally decided to ask old Indian Joe what he tho…

The Geography of a man and women THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN AND MEN The Geography of a Woman Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable plac…

A man lives in a border town between the US and Canada He lives on the Canadian side, but works in construction on the US side. Every morning, he walks over to the American side, and every evening, he comes back over to the Canadian side with a wheelbarrow full of sand. And, every day without fail, the Canadian Customs officers check him for any contraband he might try to smuggle in. For 20 years, the man works nearly every day for the construction company, and every day customs checks the san…

4 explorers find land north of the United States 4 explorers find land north of the United States, and decide to claim it as their own. They make a simple flag out of some leaves and stick it in the ground. "Looks great, eh?" An explorer says. A second explorer agrees. "Yeah, it's perfect! We can call it the official flag of... um..." "...We need a name for this place, eh?" A third explorer says. Everyone else nods in agreement. They start thinking of names for their new land, but can'…

This is the story of an Egyptian named... Benny. One day, Benny was strolling along the banks of the Nile, minding his own business. However, he came across an urn, buried in the sand. The urn was all dusty and dented and cracked and bent and generally broken. However, Benny decided to rub the urn with his sleeve, thinking he might be able to get a few coins out of it. But suddenly, out of the urn came a Genie! The genie stretched and yawned and said: "Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! I can't…

My neighbor is loud and obnoxious Now I know how Canada feels

On the topic of jokes we made up when we were younger, here's mine: "How much does Canada cost?" Nothing. It's a free country.

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway... A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist do…

The Devil goes to check on his prisoners. The devil is checking on all of hells prisoners. So he walks by the first cell, this cell has two Americans in it. "Please, please turn down the heat!" They cry as the devil laughs to himself "good, good." The devil then stops at the second cell, this cell holds two Canadians. These Canadians are lounging around relaxing. This surprises the devil "whats wrong? Don't you find it too hot?" The devil asks "oh no, we're from Canada, we never get this kind o…

A Canadian, an American, and a Pakistani are wandering through the desert They're wandering along hoping to find some water or a ride out of the vast desert. As they trot along, the Canadian kicks a metal lamp that was buried in the sand. They pick it up and rub it, then out pops a genie. The genie says, "since there are three men present I will grant you all one wish." The Canadian quickly replies, " Good sir, if it's not too much trouble, I wish for Canada to thrive forever and always. May…

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons... It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

A Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic, and a white trash biker... Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada’ POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fe…

How did Canada get its name? They had a bag of letters, and one person announced as he picked each letter out " 'C', eh, 'N', eh, 'D', eh".

Summer was especially good this year in Canada... If I recall correctly it was a friday

A man walks up to Parliament Hall... Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper immediately! Guard: I'm sorry sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada. ##The man leaves. The next day, the man comes back again. Man: Please, I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper! Guard: Like I told you yesterday sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada. ##The man once again leaves. On the third day, he's back again. Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!…

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut.

Donald Trump... -A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. -Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. -Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. -The rest of the world is in shock. -Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. -Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. -Latin American countries are sending clothing. -New Zealand and Australia …

It was time to name Canada All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name. The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?" The next drew, "N, eh?" Finally the last maple head drew and said, "D, eh?"

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office(the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of h…

A little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank. She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank. The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?" The old lady replies, "I make bets." The president then asks, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman says, "Well, for example, I'll bet …

How did Canada name their country? They picked random letters from a hat. C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the…

Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we'll all be sorry.

Banker's balls (nsfw) A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curio…