Canada Jokes

""Angry Notes"" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that. Sincerely, Logic Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic Dear America , You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada De…

Cold Cold Canada. There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says ""Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

Noise in the monastary There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived. Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there. One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite col…

The difference if you marry a Canadian girl... Three friends married women from different parts of the world... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he…

a native, canadian, and a mexican walk into a bar.. and they all go up to the bar and the bartender pours them a shot of tequila. the mexican drinks the shot of tequila, then throws the bottle on the ground. the bartender says, ""why did you do that?"" and the mexican says, ""we have so much tequila in mexico, i never have to drink from the same bottle twice."" the native drinks the shot of tequila, then throws the shot glass on the ground. the bartender says, ""why did you do that?"" and the na…

A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited I mean, you should've seen the look that wasn't on their faces.

Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

In Canada , we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists. The terrorist leader said, ""Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."" The Englishman replied, ""I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."" The Canadian replied, ""Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct socie…

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

In the not-so-distant future, Canada is in Civil War: Quebec vs. the rest of Canada. There are two friends, Ethan from Canada and Joshua from Quebec. They are both extremely patriotic, but still maintain their friendship by sitting hanging out at the border. One day while walking, they come across a magic lamp, conveniently labeled 'magic lamp'. They both dive for it, and a genie pops out. ""Alright,"" the genie says. ""You guys probably know the whole 'wishes' spiel, but since three doesn't div…

A man calls home to his wife and says, ""Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."" The wife thinks this sounds a little f…

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM! WE HAVE PLEDGED: - 2 BATTLE SHIPS, - 600 GROUND TROOPS, - 6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH: - 2 CANOES, - 6 MOUNTI…

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, ""We're going to need an ice pick."" So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, ""We're going to need another dozen ice picks."" Well, the fello…

A man called home to his wife and said, ""Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"" ""Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."" The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the…

A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages ""An' whut animal would that be ?"" he asked the keeper. ""Thats a moose from Canada"" came the reply. ""A moose !!"" exclaimed the Scotsman. ""Hoots mon if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !""

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter. ""I just got some news Mom"" he said. ""The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided t…

Years ago Nebraskans got tired of leaning into the wind having their top soil blown away and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to stop it. The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea being to stop that cold wind. It might've worked too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough .but the real problem was…

What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S.

Canada in view of recent events will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant. That way the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.

There were three explorers hiking through what is now known as Canada. ""You know"" said one of the explorers ""we should name this place we're hiking through."" ""I know"" said the second explorer. ""We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."" ""Okay"" said the third ""I'll go first. C eh."" ""N eh."" ""D eh."" And that's how they named Canada...

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100000 Federal grant to investigate the ""V"" formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the ""V"" is always longer than the other side. This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens. To start off the discussion Todd the Consulting Firm Biologist sta…

Pilot to co-pilot The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co…

A big earthquake hits the Middle East... A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending Supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The A…