Belfast Jokes

Two Irish men are digging a ditch. Two irish men are digging a ditch while a third British man keeps watch on their progress. One Irish man asks t'other ""why is it that we have to be down here in this mud while the Brit sits up there on his lazy arse."" The second Irish man, indignant at this sudden revelation, stomps up to the man on the stool and asks ""Why is it were down there and you're up here?"" The British man calmly folds his newspaper, looks up and says ""I will show you."" He puts hi…

An Irishman walked down an alley in Belfast... A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him. ""Millie up, ya Croppy shite!"" Said the thug. ""I'll blast yer papist skull!"" ""Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney."" Replied the Irishman. ""I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."" ""Ha!"" Said the thug. ""Good craic! I tricked ya. I knew ya was a gee-bag Orangeman. Time to die, Protty!"" ""Stay a little, ya mingin' muppet!"" Urged the Irishman. ""Begorah, I'm no Protestant either!"…

A man is walking down the street in Belfast one night... ...when he feels someone come up behind him, press a gun into his back, and lead him into an alleyway. ""Alright, then,"" the assailant's voice says, ""Are you Catholic or Protestant?"" Knowing that the wrong choice could be disastrous, the man spits out, ""I'm... I'm Jewish!"" ""Well, if that don't make me the luckiest Muslim in all of Ireland...""

The FBI sends an agent to infiltrate the IRA They know that he has to pass him off as Irish, otherwise they won't accept him. So they send him first to random cities, where he learns the accent, the mannerisms. Few weeks later he starts to learn how to speak Irish. He spends some time in the Gaeltachts (Irish speaking areas) of Galway, Mayo, Kerry. All grand, nobody suspects a thing. It's now time to travel up to Belfast to meet his IRA contact. They meet and he speaks perfect Irish with the per…

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ... An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member: Atheist: ""What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"" Staff member: ""Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist.""

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer Liam replied that his parachute failed to open well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me …

The Irish have a way with words. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he’d just been run over by a train.His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. ''What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean,"he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.'' "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,and a terrible…

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handl…

The Irish have a way with words. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling

What's the fastest game in the world? Pass the Parcel in a Belfast Pub.