Texas Jokes

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says ""Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large"". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says "" We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows"". The conversation has meanwhile almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping t…

A Texan while visiting Toronto found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver ""What's that building there?"" ""That's the Royal York Hotel"" replied the cabbie. ""The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?"" asked the Texan. ""About 12 years"" replied the cabbie. ""12 years? We build 'em twice as high twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas and we do that in six months."" A while later the cab …

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington D.C.

Three cowboys of the world are sitting around camp talking about how tough they were and the tales kept getting bigger and bigger. The cowboy from Australia says ""I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and may it cry like a baby."" The Cowboy from Brazil shakes his head and says ""I killed a 400 pound steer with my bare hands."" The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept stirring the campfire with his leg.

A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street complete with huge stetson hat spurs and six shooters. ""Excuse me sir"" said the police officer ""who are you?"" ""My name's Tex officer"" said the cowboy. "" eh?"" said the police officer ""Are you from Texas?"" ""Nope Louisiana."" ""Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?"" ""Don't want to be called Louise do I .

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds. ""Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness?"" asked one of the girls. ""No I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident.""

How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears.

Three students from Michigan State the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked ""Do you have any final words son?"" ""Yeah drop dead!"" snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever and as the crowd gaped in astonishment the giant blade came to a screeching halt three in…

What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape? A retarded ape.

An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboard if they were to survive. After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so they asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said ""Viva la France."" Next a preacher went to the door and said ""Lord forgive me for what I must do."" Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said ""Well guess I got to do my part"" and he grabbed…

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced ""Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!""

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane he felt the seats and said ""Wow these seats are big!"" The person next to him answered ""Everything is big in Texas."" When he finally arrived in Texas he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed ""Wow these mugs are big!"" The bartender replied ""Everything is big in Texas."" After a couple of beers the blind man asked the bartend…

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who on the day before his execution managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital saved his life then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently just to anger him.

If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?

Random Drug search A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. …

A cowboy walks into a bar... A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the oth…

a penguin is driving through Texas when ... ... his car engine suddenly sputters and dies. close to a service station, he uses his momentum to roll up in front of the garage. he hops out and asks the mechanic to have a look. the mechanic obliges and says "give me 15 minutes". it being a hot day in Lubbock (naturally), the penguin gravitates to the baskin robbins across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. not having lips, the little guy enjoys his ice cream greatly but makes a bit of a mess, …

A Texas Salesman A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?" "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" "One…

Scottish man at the ranch A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

A blind man goes on vacation A blind man goes on vacation. He's never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he's amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he's ever sat in. "Wow, this seat is gigantic!" he says. "I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair!" The woman next to him says, "Sure, everything's bigger in Texas, hun." The blind man …

Chili Cook Off {this TRULY should be a repost, but if not, enjoy...} Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that …

A drunken cowboy... A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. To…

Cow Jokes What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chicken." What do you call a fat cow with a terrible personality? My ex girlfriend. What is the proper term for a pregnant cow? Also my ex girlfriend. Whoaa Nellie, that escowlated quickly. Growing up …

A New Yorker is visiting Texas for the first time on a business trip The New Yorker walks into the hotel bar and asks the bartender "is everything actually bigger in Texas?" The bartender chuckles "Partner, *everything* is bigger here. Order a Texas sized beer and a Texas sized steak and you can see for yerself." Being adventurous, the man agrees. The steak and the beer come and they're enormous. The Texas sized steak was the biggest steak he'd ever laid eyes on, he couldn't even finish hal…

Motel insurance scam (x-post /r/Unexpected) A few years ago, I lived in a small rural town in southwestern Texas, near the border with Mexico. My town had a few rich people living in it, and among these was my neighbor. He was a doctor, and also owned a little motel called the Spanish Inn. It was a nice place, and the doctor enjoyed keeping up with the property. Last year, the inn tragically burned down; the doctor and his wife subsequently filed for insurance. The insurance inspectors arrived…