Texas Jokes

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar. The Texan, feeling boastful, says, ""Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."" The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, ""Yeah. I had a car like that once.""

A man in Texas is driving with twenty penguins in the bed of his pickup... ...when he is stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper approaches and tells the man that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo immediately as they are non-native and not registered to the man as pets. ""Right away, officer,"" replies the man, and off he goes. The following day, the same man is driving on the same road with the same twenty penguins in the bed of his truck. This time, however, the penguins are all wearing…

Bowling Ball Delivery A semi truck driver is hired to deliver a load of bowling balls from Houston to Atlanta. He gets a bonus if he gets it there in under twenty four hours. He's speeding down the highway when he sees two black men walking with a bike. They flag him down and he pulls over. They ask him for a ride since their bike chain was broken. He asks them where they're headed. They tell him that they are headed to a small town in Louisiana. He says ""Hop in the back, that's right on my way…

A Texas A&M (Aggie) grad, a Texas Tech (TT) grad and a University of Texas (UT) grad end up at the urinals in a bar. The Aggie finishes first, walks over to the sink and loudly proclaims ""In my health class at Texas A&M we were taught to wash our hands after using the bathroom to prevent disease"" and proceeds to splash soap and water everywhere. Additionally, while drying off he uses more paper towels than are necessary. The TT grad finishes next, walks over to the sink and loudly proc…

A Texan Visits Israel A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and provides the Texan with a drink of water. Israel is not a particularly large country and has a fairly large population, so the individual farmsteads are rather small. Noticing th…

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue …

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. ""Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"" she asked. ""They're mating,"" her father replied. ""What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"" she asked. ""That's a Daddy Longlegs."" Her father answered. ""So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"" the …

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ""Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."" Chuck replied, ""Well, then,just give me my money back."" The farmer said, ""Can't do that. I went and spent it already."" Chuck said, ""Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."" The farmer asked, ""What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, ""I'm going to raffle him off."" The fa…

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP) A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

A deadly Texas Tornardo knows better than to damage or destroy any property or anything that belongs to Chuck Norris or any of his family if the Tornardo knows what is best for it because Chuck Norris is God.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities by the hand of Chuck Norris that occurred during the making of the episode.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ""WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?"" he yelled. No one answered. ""ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA …

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas Was $2000.00 a year! When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Texas! The agent turned his computer screen to …

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, ""I've decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school"". His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, ""Go talk to mother"". Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother. ""Mom?"" ""Yes so…

Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking........and the one blonde says to the other. ""What do you think is farther ......... Florida or the moon......"" The other blonde turns and says ""Helloooooooooooooooooooo....can you see Florida?""

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. ""One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis."" The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out ""One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi."" Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight …

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that w…

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have conclud…

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. ""It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."" She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, ""I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found…

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M; University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. That year's term was 'Political Correctness' - The winner wrote... ""Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a dog turd by the clean end.""

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Texas - A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serving a prison sentence. He gave the court a check--a forged check. He was sentenced to ten years.