Texas Jokes

TIFU by crashing my car into a shop X-post from r/tifu Okay, so a little backstory. I'm a bit of an entrepreneur, and recently moved down to Mexico after purchasing a chain of 5 convenience stores (TAB, if you ever wanna look us up. I promise we're good) up near the Texas border, all pretty much aligned on this one stretch of almost entirely empty road near the suburbs, miles from any other shop, and the only place the factory workers will go. My drive from our home takes me round a blind corner…

What do a texas twister and a texas divorce have in common??????????????? Either way the trailer gets split in half. How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Texas????? because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush

What Type of tea do you like? A Brit and a Texan were sitting next to each other on a train. Noticing the Brit enjoying his tea, the Texan turns to him and, in his deepest Texas drawl, asks, ""What is it with you Anglish folk and tea?"" The Brit replies (in his thick English accent), ""Well sir, you see, in England we have three kinds of tea: We have English Breakfast Tea, which is thirty percent aroma and seventy percent texture. We have Afternoon Tea, which is seventy percent aroma and thirty …

A Fish Tale A Texas oil tycoon is in northern Canada for a vacation and has booked a day of fishing on the Great Slave Lake. The guide says they will start out on the lake at sun up, two am. As they start out the guide says, ""Have you ever seen such a long day?"" The Texan lights a cigar and says, ""Sonny, the sun never sets on Texas, it's God's country"" As they head out across The Great Slave, the tenth largest in the world, the guide asks, ""Have you ever fished on a lake a big as this?"" Th…

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel... A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. ""Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse,"" the farmer said. The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. ""Is this all your land?"" he asked. ""Yes,"" the Israeli said proudly. ""This is all mine!"" ""You mean this is it? This is all of it?"" the Texan said incr…

I'm not redneck! I'm from Texas! We ride horses. They ride their cousins.

Watch out for that snake A man named John lives in Texas near the Mexican border. He decides that life is, in fact, short, so he rents a Jeep to go offroading in the desert. Now John has been offroading for about two hours, when he goes over a dune at a bad angle, and rolls his Jeep onto the side. To his horror, one of the fuel lines was severed in the process, and he has lost all of the fuel in his tank. John pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, and unfortunately does not have any service. H…

A Brit and a Texan were sitting next to each other on a train.... A Brit and a Texan were sitting next to each other on a train. Noticing the Brit enjoying his tea, the Texan turns to him and, in his deepest Texas drawl, asks, ""What is it with you Anglish folk and tea?"" The Brit replies (in his thick English accent), ""Well sir, you see, in England we have three kinds of tea: We have English Breakfast Tea, which is thirty percent aroma and seventy percent texture. We have Afternoon Tea, which …

The cowboy... A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one ...in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colo…

Why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows

A Texan is touring around Ireland... When he sees a man digging in the ground. He shouts over to him:""What are ya digging for?"". The Irishman looks up, shows him what he has in his hand and says potatoes. ""You call that a potato! Why, back in Texas we have potatoes six times bigger!"" ""Ah"" says the Irishman ""you see here we only grow them the size of our mouth.""

A Lawyer thinks he can act smart with a cop A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says, ""License and registration, please."" ""What for?"" says the lawyer. The deputy says, ""You didn't come to a complete stop at the …

Texas Chili Cook-off! Texas Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween co…

Salesman of the Year A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says, ""Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. ""Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. ""How many sales did you mak…

Where's the best place to hide a body in texas? Oops. Wrong subreddit!

There was old town hall in Texas back in the old west... So there was this old town hall in Texas back in the old west days. They had this set of bells they rang for things like when the mail carriage was coming, when there was a town meeting, someone had a baby, shit like that you know? Well they were actually super crappy bells because the hammers kept breaking. One time the mail cart was showing up and the dude at town hall was like ""Crap! I need to ring the bell!"" so he just grabbed the cl…

A Mexican, Russian, and a Texan are sitting in a bar. The russian has a bottle of vodka, The mexican has a bottle of tequila, And the texan has a bottle of whiskey. The russian gets up, chugs the whole bottle, throws it up and shoots it and says ""in my country we have lots of vodka"". After that the mexican gets up, chugs his bottle of tequila, throws it in the air and shoots. Then he says ""in my country we have lots of tequila"". So then the texan gets up, chugs his bottle of whiskey, throws …

Why did the Canadian die after eating at an Olive Garden in Texas? He ordered ""eh bowl a"" soup.

So its a slow night at the bar... This guy walks in, sits down at the end of the bar and orders a stiff drink. Bartender comes back a little bit later and since its a pretty slow night, he decides to chit-chat with the customer. After a little bit the bartender asks the man what he does for a living. Customer says, ""I'm a Center for the Dallas Cowboys."" Bartender replies, ""Man, it must be really tough having to do that."" ""Its not too bad. I enjoy it"" ""No, I meant being openly gay in Texas…

A New York lawyer is on a business trip in Texas... ... and is on his way to a meeting in his company rental car. He's a little crunched on time so when he rolls through the stop sign ahead. A cop catches this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says ""License n' registration , sir."" The lawyer complies but can hear the country twang in the cops voice and figures he can outsmart the 'stupid southerner.' ""Officer, I have no idea why you pulled me over."" The officer replies ""You …

Nixon's speech in case of mission failure was released... I rewrote it if GW had been in office. God has willed Neil Armlong and Edwin Aldrich have left the Earth and will not return. These brave men know that there is no hope for a safe return. We told them over the radio just a little while ago. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by their pets and by both democrats and r…

Topical Jokes for 8/28/14 Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married after ten years of dating. That's right ladies, Brad Pitt is officially ""sort-of off the market."" ...we're told Brad Pitt proposed by getting down on one knee, then knowingly chuckling to himself for nine minutes. It's been reported that more than 1,000 Russian troops are in Ukraine, despite Russia's denials. Vladimir Putin explained that the armed men aren't soldiers, there's no such place as Russia, and 1,000 isn't a …

College Football Jokes - Enjoy! Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two. > Ohio State's > Urban Meyer on one of his players: ""He doesn't know > the meaning of the word > fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know > the meaning of a lot of > words."" > ___________________________________________ > > Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? > > So they can dress > that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and …

Heard this Freudian slip today at lunch. I was at Texas de Brazil (Brazilian Steakhouse) and a waiter walked up to the table next to us where two guys sat clearly on a date. ""Are there any butts of meat I can send by?"" Note: He did correct himself, but regardless, a joke was born. Enjoy!

My Magic Green Hat Earlier this year while on vacation to escape the snow and cold, I passed through Florida on my way to the Caribbean cruise. The day after returning from my cruise, I wasn't feeling very well and decided that I really needed some medical assistance... and decided to visit the emergency room at the closest medical facility. Realizing that it would likely be very crowded and not wanting to sit there waiting for 4-5 hours to be seen, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT. As soon as I ente…