Texas Jokes

Texas - A man went into a drug store and announced his intentions to commit robbery. He pulled a Hefty-bag over his face to conceal his identity. He did not, however, cut eye-holes in the mask and was tackled by a brave customer.

The original title for Star Wars was ""Skywalker: Texas Ranger"". Starring Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse . She had her hand on her gun when he grabbed the purse, and she was left with the revolver in her hand. When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away she replied under oath: ""Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click."" She was acquitted of all charges...... Th…

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off. ""What did yo…

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: ""Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"" ""And the best of the day t…

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer onl…

Freddy thought he was the true nightmare until he met Chuck Norris who roundhouse kicked and from that day Freddy hides in fear thinking a nightmare in texas

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: ""British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancesto…

One time on the set of Walker, Texas Ranger, a sheep gave birth to a stillborn lamb in front of a gathered crowd of the show's cast and crew. Chuck Norris then nuzzled the lamb's lifeless body, bringing it to life and awing the crowd. He then roundhouse kicked the lamb, killing it instantly. This was done to show that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, Well, did any…

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were. When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, ""Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply."" I told them, There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper."" Sure enough, there were ads for ... ""Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person.""

Bilingual Lawyer A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, ""You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."" But the bandit didn't speak Engli…

What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common? Either way, someone is losing a trailer.

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, ""The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"" So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They…

Baptist Cowboy A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left hom…

There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress who took her order for a cup of coffee that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. ""Everything's big in Texas ma'am"" said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. ""I told you ma'am that everything is big in Texas"" said the waitress. On her…

Early Texas governors were not very well educated. There was once a chief executive who thought ""grammar"" was his father's mother. On one occasion this governor went hunting and forgot his gun. He phoned his secretary and asked him to send the gun. ""The phone connection's bad"" said the secretary. ""I couldn't catch that last word. Spell it."" The governor replied "" 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion; 'N' like in pneumonia GUN you damn fool!""

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited 'Through the desert all …

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said ""We take the lungs out of a man perform an operation put the lungs back in and in 4 weeks the man is looking for work."" An Englishman said ""We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."" The Irishman says ""That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man put into another man's body and have them looking for wo…

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over. ""You got any I.D.?"" the patrolman asked."" ""'Bout what?"" the hillbilly replied.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. ""Just to establish some parameters"" said the professor to the student from Arkansas ""What is the opposite of joy?"" ""Sadness"" said the student. And the opposite of depression?"" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. ""Elation"" said she. ""And you sir"" he said to the young man from Texas ""how about the opposite of woe?"" The Texan replied ""Sir I believe that would be giddy-up.""

Slim walked into his local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA ""Gosh!"" he said ""If n only that job was in Texas Ah'd take it!""

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper ""Howdy Saint Peter. Say this looks just like Texas."" ""The gatekeeper replied ""First of all I'm not Saint Peter and second you really don't know where you are at all do you ?""