Texas Jokes

Bigger in Texas . . . A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is bigger in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. T…

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another be…

Father O'Malley An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of …

Why was the quantum computer banned in Texas? Because it was non-binary

Texas Chili Cookoff Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have …

A young blonde girl from California in her late teens, who moved to Texas, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby up scale neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed a…

A guy from Texas came to Australia to visit his friend. His Australian friend showed him his fields of rye. The guy just scoffed and said: "We have bigger fields of wheat back in Texas." Then his friend showed him his herd of cows. Again, guy just scoffed and said: "We have bigger herd of sheep back in Texas." Then suddenly, a kangaroo hopped out of nowhere. The guy from Texas took a picture of it and asked: "What is that?" "That is a kangaroo." "Huh." "So what, you have bigger grasshopper…

The cattle rancher and the potato farmer. A wealthy Texas cattle rancher goes to Maine to visit his cousin who is a humble potato farmer. The Texas rancher sees his cousin's small plot and says with a boastful, mocking drawl, "Back in Texas, mah ranch is so big, it takes me all day just to drive acrosst it." The humble farmer replies in his flinty, downeast accent, " Ayuh, I once had a cah like that."

My friends down here in Texas keep telling me about the sun having an eclipse. I couldn't see anything, though. The moon was in the way the entire time.

I find it’s best to be frank and earnest with women. In Texas I’m Frank and in California I’m Ernest.

The younger son of a Danish farmer, Couldn't inherit his parents farm, because his older brother got the farm. So he moved to Texas to start his own farm there. After working on the farm and expanding it for fifty years, he finally finds the time to visit his family back in Denmark. And he can't stop bragging about his farm in Texas, and he tells his brother: "When I get in my car, at dawn and drive west for the whole day, at sundown I'm still on my own property." His brother responds wi…

Obit This printed in a Texas newspaper : The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106. On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning. He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Why is Texas called the Lone Star state? Because of all the one-star reviews

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears "OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents." Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two wishes. Biden silently nods in agreement. "Very well, what is your first wish?" "I want to build a wall around Texas. A gia…

Arkansas. Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each". Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so's…

A blonde gets eye surgery... A blonde gets eye surgery, which results in her eyes being bandaged up. She handles it really well, resulting in her adapting quickly to using a white cane. Eventually, she decides to take a trip to Texas, because hey, pretty soon she'll be able to take the blindfolds off and enjoy the view. Her friends help her pack and purchase a plane ticket, and soon she gets on the flight. Once she lands in Dallas, she goes to a nearby restaurant. After getting a drink there,…

An older married couple, Keith and Edith, get pulled over while on vacation. Edith was driving the highway when she got pulled over by the state police. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" Edith, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Keith yelled back "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" Edith turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?" Keith once again yelled, "He wants …

An Irish Priest An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas. He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. So he promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of t…

Wish Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, Why'd you do that? The trooper says, You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready. Driver says, I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here. The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. H…

A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters... The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender opens his beer and sets it down on the table. "I'd be careful if I was you. Town's folk don't take kindly to newcomers, they give em a hard time. And that's what you are is a newcomer." "Is that so?" The cowboy lazily says as he rests his head on his fist and sips his drink. Th…

Everything's Big in Texas A Texan goes to a bar and buys everyone a round of drinks, exclaiming that his wife has just given birth to their first child "a Texas sized" baby boy weighing 24 pounds. Congrats came from all over the bar and folks saying "Wow" Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the Texas size baby that weighed 24 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father says "18 pounds." The bartender, confused a…

How many Texas cops does it take to stop a shooter from killing children in a school? One. It would’ve taken just one.

What does SWAT stand for… … in Texas? Stand, Wait, Act Tough

What’s one thing a Texas cop might be more scared of than an active shooter? A COVID Vaccine.

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allo…