Texas Jokes

Tommy at the rodeo A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tr…

My grandpa would always tell me... that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

A Blind Man Travels to Texas....... A blind man headed to Texas for his vacation. Upon arriving at the hotel, he felt a large breeze in the lobby. He said," Wow!" and heard his voice echo. He then said," Wow, this lobby is so big!" A passing bellhop replied," Everything is bigger in Texas." After checking in, another bellhop helped him to his room. The blind man sat down on his bed, felt how big it was, and said," Wow, this bed is so big!" The bellhop told him," Everything is bigger in Texas." …

Everything is bigger in Texas A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield. 'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan. Next they drive past a couple of barns. 'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that' They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about. 'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan. The A…

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas, staked out, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as…

The Baptist Cowboy A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Budweiser. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the …

A cowboy with three beers A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other…

A cowboy... ... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn. This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?" The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one b…

Big John A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender. The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night." The man says he can handle himself, he's seen a lot, and in the big city he had to be tough. The owner continues to warn the man, "There's also a shooting about once per week..." Again the City slicker assures the bar owner that he can handl…

Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit." "…

A Blind Man visits the State of Texas... There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple o…

How to Sell a Dead Donkey Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news The donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey? Chuck said, 'I'm g…

A black man walks into a gun store in Texas. "I would like to see that glock on the display wall" "I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman. "Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle" "We are out of those, as well" Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer. When the lawyer, who is white, walks into the store and asks, "what have you got against blacks..." when he is interrupted. "Well we have handguns, rifles, shotguns..."

A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp... They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it. As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece." The Donald Trump goes first. He says, "I want all the Mexicans permanently out of the United States and back…

Two drunks Two drunks were drinking on the roof of their trailer late one night in Texas. The first drunk looks up at the night sky and says to the other "The moon is so big, I been wonderin... Whad'ya think is closer, the Moon, or Florida?" The second drunk gives his friend an amused look. "You can't be serious.." He slurs The first drunk looks back at his friend in confused anticipation "Well?" he asks. The second drunk then rolls his eyes and laughs. "Well.. Think about it. Can you see Fl…

At least we know the people who killed the 5 cops in Texas weren't terrorists Because Muslims can't kill pigs. I'm going to hell

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground... Both books were completely destroyed. The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

A cowboy from Texas A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the oth…

The Pope visits Texas The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn't say no so he obliged and exchanged seats. It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having the time of his life crui…

They really grow them big in Texas A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit." Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?" "Well ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir, what size?" "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them bi…

3 surgeons walk into a pub... ...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England." The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games." The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A coup…

Why do Texans cut the sleeves off their shirts? It's because people from Texas are always lookin' for a reason to bare arms.

Ben Grimm from the Fantastic Four, the hand from the Addams Family, and the alien monster Kurt Russell fought on the Antarctic drove from New York to Texas in less than an hour. Things went South real fast.

The astronauts stuck in space are voting this election. Texas ruled in 1997 that astronauts in outer space can legally vote Wild to think nearly 30 years later they'd be so against aliens voting for the president

My dyslexic blonde girlfriend just said "How do we know which of the other 49 states are real?" I said: "What? They're all real" She said: "No they're not, we only know for certain that one is real, no one's certain about the other ones. Just like the saying goes" \*Now very confused\* I reply: "What saying?" She looks at me like I'm an idiot and replies confidently: "You know - only two things are certain in life, death and Texas"