Texas Jokes

What's the difference between Texas and Russia? One's a disgusting cesspool full of paranoid, bigoted, anti-American sadists, and the other is really cold.

#Texas #Russia #Q&A

Why is Texas the "Lone Star" state? It was rated out of five.

#Texas #Lone Star State #Q&A

Why doesn't Texas float away into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks.

#Texas #Gulf Of Mexico #Oklahoma #Q&A

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb in Texas? They can't. There's a wall.

#Texas #Q&A

While tending the hand wound of an old Texas rancher, a doctor struck up conversation with him and pretty soon the topic turned to Sarah Palin and her bid to become Vice-President of the United States. The old rancher said: "Palin is what I call a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The rancher said: "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The doctor …

#Sarah Palin #Mrs Palin #Jay Leno #Wyatt Cenac+4 more

A visitor to Texas asked a rancher: "Does it ever rain here?" The rancher said: "Sure. We sometimes get rain. You know that part in the Bible where it rained for forty days and forty nights?" "Yes," said the visitor, "I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well, we must have had half an inch then." ANIMALS

#Noahs #Texas #Religion

As Hurricane Ike battered the east coast of America in 2008, people started wondering whether there was a town in Texas called Tina.

#Hurricane Ike #Tina #East Coast Of America #Texas

A man from Ireland was on a bus tour of the United States. As the bus travelled for miles and miles through desert landscape and oil fields, he asked the guide: "Where are we now?" The guide said proudly: "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's certainly big," mused the Irishman. "It's so big," added the guide, "that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." "Yes," smiled the Irishman, "and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"

#Ireland #United States #State Of Texas #County Kerry+1 more

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up potatoes. An American tourist leaned over the fence and shouted out: "Back home in Texas we grow potatoes that are five times that size!" "Aye, laddie," replied the Scotsman, "but we only grow them to fit our own mouths."

#Texas

A Texan was standing admiring the beauty of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him said sarcastically: "I bet you don't have anything like this in Texas." "No," said the Texan, "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!" You Know You're in Texas When . . . Hot water comes out of both taps. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below ninety-five degrees, and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in July it only takes two fing…

#Niagara Falls #Texas #Driving

A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town. "There it is," said the Englishman. "It's quite impressive, I must admit." "You call that big?" scoffed the Texan. "Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!" "I'm not surprised," said the Englishman. "That's the local lunatic asylum!"

#England #Texas

Three aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness" replied the student. "And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice. "Elation" said she. "And you sir" he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believ…

#Houston #Aggie #Texas #School+1 more