Texas Jokes

The 3 seasons of Texas! Summer, cold summer, & Football.

Bubba wants to be a Lumberjack Bubba is a good old boy from Texas who visits Alaska and is amazed at the size of Alaska. He visits a lumber camp and wants to be a Lumberjack he tells the foreman. The boys have a little fun with Bubba and they tell him you have to pass 3 tests. Test one is to chop a hole in the frozen lake and swim for 5 minutes. Test 2 is kill a grizzly bear with your bare hands. Test 3 is to go into town and make love to Nanuck the Eskimo woman. Where is the lake? and they poin…

a french girl married a texas guy.. After a while together, she is complaining: - listen, John, when you kiss me with a chewing gum in your mouth, I can live with that, when you make love to me with your boots and hat on - i can bear with it, but please take your cigar out when we do 69!

George W. Bush goes in for an interview George W. Bush, out of work and bored after his presidency, decides to go for the job of Exxon's CEO. The board of directors sits down with him for an interview. ""George, you're extremely qualified. Prior CEO of an oil company, Yale undergrad, Harvard Business, governor of Texas, and commander-in-chief. We'd be lucky to have you, truth be told. We just had a question about a gap in your resume - specifically, how you managed to graduate high school. It sa…

A big Texan was in a NY bar and got a phone call... A big Texan was in a NY bar and got a phone call. After he hung-up, he excitedly yelled, ""Hey y'all! The drinks are on me! My wife just had a baby boy!"" Everybody ordered drinks, making toasts, congratulating the proud new father. The bartender bought the Texan daddy a drink ""...so, a baby boy, that's great!"" The Texan beamed, ""Yep! Weighed in at 18 lbs!"" The bartender was shocked, ""Did you say 18 lbs? Wow! Never heard of a baby weighing…

George Bush There's an old saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can't get fooled again. **I don't care! It's too funny to not repost.**

An old cowboy is sitting at a coffee shop just having a cup to pass the time... A biker comes up and says ""Hey Tex, where did you park your horse?"" The Cowboy looks up, looks the biker up and down and returns to his coffee. The Biker nudges his shoulder, ticks his hat, chuckles at the feather nestled in that old leather band....Well that old cowboy looked that greasy biker in his eyes and said ""Why don't you go eff asterisk asterisk asterisk yourself?"" The biker, more shocked and confused th…

[Politics] A Cuban Refugee, A Canadian Immigrant, A Texas Separatist, A obstructionist politician, A Christian Extremist and A white Supremacist walk into a bar The tender say, what'll be Senator Cruz?

You know what's really great about being a Democrat in Texas on Super Tuesday? No waiting in line. (An hour and a half wait if you were a Republican.)

Damned Italian Ices Down in Austin, Texas, Guido's father and now Guido had operated a neighborhood ice cream parlor for many years. Having an idea about how to increase his business, Guido put up a prominent sign outside the business announcing, ""Next Week Italian Ices Will Be Here!"" Overnight people in the neighborhood were up in arms. They organized a protest and boycott. Their spokesman told a reporter, ""We heard about them damn ICES terroists on the FOX news and we won't stand for foreig…

What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common? Someone's gonna lose a trailer.

Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas? The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!

A Texan interrupts an argument... On 4 January 1959 two Eskimos where sitting on the steps of the Capital in DC. Embroiled in a heated argument, a Texan who walks by interrupts them and says ""Volks, settle down, this ain't the place to shout."" Stone faced the Eskimos turn to the Texan and one says ""shut up, or we will split Alaska in two and make Texas the third biggest state in the union.""

Wow... World of Warcraft is getting pretty realistic these days [Blizzard kills thousands of cows and threatens Texas dairy business](http://money.cnn.com/2016/01/02/news/dairy-texas-storm-goliath/index.html?iid=hp-stack-dom)

Proponents for making Texas an independent nation again have proposed a source of national revenue... A tax will be levied on anyone entering and leaving the state through any of its state borders and Mexico. Yep, their gonna call it the Howdy Duty.

Did you hear? Chuck Norris moved to Endor He became an Ewok'er Texas ranger.

Niagara Falls A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas. The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.

findafamilymember.com Now the #1 Dating Site in Texas!

2 Texas guys, 1 choking woman Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged. One Texan turned to the other and said ""That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."" He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and asked ""Kin ya swaller?"" Gasping, she shook her head ""No."" He asked ""Can ya breathe?"" Still gasping she again shook her head ""No."" With that h…

I got busted visiting Texas. For trying to smuggle in books. Luckily, I got off on a technicality. No one could prove they were books.

Why did the Sudanese boy get arrested in Texas? I'm not exactly sure, but it was about time.

So I wanted to write a joke about the lack of aplomb demonstrated by the police recently in Texas. But that would resemble a bomb, and I might get in trouble.

In light of Wednesday in Texas Talk about a clock block.

A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas says to the woman from New York; ""Hi! Where y'all from?"" The woman from New York replies, ""Where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions..."" So the woman from Texas says, ""Fine! Where y'all from, BITCH?!"" A few minutes later, the woman from New York meets the woman from Texas' husband. She's steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks (in a verrrrrry suggestive voice) ""Is there anything I can d…

Texas... It's not the heat, it's the stupidity.