Texas Jokes

Did you hear? They found a new use for sheep in texas. Wool.

After decades of research scientists in Texas have discovered a new use for sheep! Wool!

A Tale of Two Unfortunate Aggies Two Aggies went ice fishing, but it was kind of a bust. They spent all weekend just clearing enough ice to get the boat in the water, and didn't have time to actually fish. Someone was kind enough to explain to them how you ice fish. So they went to a new spot (too ashamed to go to the old one.) They took out their drill to cut through the ice. They heard a huge voice booming out of no where, ""THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."" They're a little discomfited, but …

I posted these Aggie jokes elsewhere, so someone is bound to post them here. These are jokes commonly told around the University of Texas about their rivals at Texas A&M University. You know why the Aggies don't have ice cubes in the dorm any more? It's because the guy with the recipe graduated. I've heard that recipe calls for a heaping tablespoon of water. How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. Two Aggies went ice fishing, but …

The Texas State Trooper and the Juggler A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had…

A Baptist Cowboy A Baptist Cowboy A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. H e sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Rang…

texas humor sign inside a bar in texas reads: ""we like our beer like we like our violence, domestic.""

My ex-wife got a job in Huston giving back-rubs in Walmart She's the Texas Chain Store Massager

Yellow Change It was a hot day in Texas. After consuming a 2 cans of sprite .. Teddy decided to take a leak...the old fashioned way. He quickly located a small bush and decided to make it his bitch..A police officer spotted him and quickly approached him .. Police Man: Well sir u dun'know out yeaa in texis u goda pay-afine furr pissinnenn out here.. Teddy: * shakes off last bits of urine* oh ofcourse sir ..i was just desperate...i'm willing to do whatever to leave in peace Police officer: well s…

A Texan a bitch and a heifer A Texan comes to California to visit his friend's ranch. He overhears two workers talking, standing next to a cow and a dog. The first worker looks at the cow and absentmindedly says ""yup, she's one fat cow."" The next man is looking at the dog and says ""well, I've got one mean bitch"" The Texan looks at the animals and sees a skinny, emaciated cow and a tiny, docile looking dog. The Texan walks up to the men and arrogantly says, ""See, this is why Texas is better …

Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims in Oklahoma and Texas They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light

A New York Businessman is Sent to Texas... ...by his boss. He was really excited, he had always dreamed of going to ""the land of cowboys"" ever since growing up watching westerns. Alas, he failed to realize how the heat would be in the middle of summer and as soon as the doors of the terminal opened, he melted in his shoes. Desperately looking for any relief, he spotted a bar that advertised ""air conditioning"" The New Yorker popped into the bar and as he waited for his eyes to adjust to the d…

What do you call a C-average student from Texas? Mr. President

They say everything is bigger in Texas, but their buses are usually shorter.

A vegan, a crossfitter, and an atheist are sitting in a bar. But you wouldnt know it, thanks to the Texan telling you all about Texas

My favorite drawings at the Mohammad cartoon festival in Texas... were the two chalk outlines out front.

Alamo Remembered Texas makes me think of the old slogan ""Remember the Alamo."" It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband. Naturally, she sued for Alamo knee.

A bar purchases a robot and the robot is programmed to be able to talk to anyone; all they have to do is to tell the robot their IQ and it will strike up a relevant conversation with that person. A man walks in and the robot asks for his IQ. ""160'"" replied the man, so he and the robot start discussing string theory, the theory of relativity and the many universes in our solar system. A second man walks in and the robot asks the same question. ""120,"" replied the man so they start discussing c…

did you hear about that kidnapping in Texas? He woke up.

George bush was attending a morning press conference... Donald rumsfeld read the daily briefings aloud ""This morning, 3 Brazilian soilders were killed"" ""OH MY GOD THATS TERRIBLE"" Screamed the president The room went silent, everyone was stunned by the presidents emotional outburst. A moment passed when George asked in a quiet Texas tone ""how many is three brazillion?""

A cowboy walks into a bar... A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the othe…

Why do the birthers...? Why do the Birthers care about where Barack Obama was born (Hawaii, not Kenya) and not where Ted Cruz was born (Canada, not Texas)? Because Barack Obama is black.

AMERICAN DIVORCE If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ""That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."" He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, ""Kin ya swaller?"" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, ""Kin ya breathe?"" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, p…

Texans and winter driving [](http://imgur.com/58opxef) We really never have to drive around in snow and ice, so when we even see a tiny bit of it, we freak out and cancel school, work, and life. The only way to cure a traffic problem in Texas is to tell people that tomorrow it's gonna freeze. EVERYONE will stay home.