Texas Jokes

A cowboy rode into a dusty old town... ...and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Which one of you cow'rdly sidewinders stole my hoss!?"" he yelled. No one answered. ""Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer,…

Crazy Old White Guy: Best Aggie Joke for 2012: The Aggie Tree Expert A new graduate from Texas A&M named Bubba from College Station Texas decided to travel across the State of TEXAS to see God'S country. When he got to CARTHAGE in east TEXAS, he liked the place so much that he decided to stay. But first he had find a job!!!! Bubba walked into the International Paper Company office and filled out an application as an experienced log inspector. It was his lucky day!! They just happened to be …

Yee-haw Emotional extremes The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. ""Just to establish some parameters,"" said the professor to the student from Arkansas, ""What is the opposite of joy?"" ""Sadness,"" said the student. And the opposite of depression?"" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. ""Elation,"" said she. ""And you sir,"" he said to the young man from Texas, ""how about the opposite of woe?"" The Texan replied, ""Sir, I believe that would be …

A Texas sheriff found a black man who was shot 12 times. He said it was the worst case of suicide he'd ever seen.

So a blind man walks into a bar... So a blind man walks into a bar in Texas. He feels his way up to the counter and pulls himself into the chair and exclaims, ""WOW! these barstools are huge!"". The bartender then replies, ""yep, everything is bigger in Texas."" The blind man then orders a beer, so the bartender brings him over a mug of some ice cold beer. The blind mind exclaims, ""WOW! this mug is huge!"". The bartender then replies, ""yep, everything is bigger in Texas."" After a few drinks t…

a kid at school the teacher told the students... ""i will let you out of class early if you get the next questions right""...... first question.. what is the capital of texas..... michael raised his hand and said AUSTIN she let him go.... a few seconds later johnny threw a peice of paper at the teacher and hit her in the face... she got mad and asked WHO THREW THAT johnny said I DID and took off cuz he got the answer right..... feak...

TEXAS SURVIVOR Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show ""Survivor"" by hosting its own version. Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amarillo. Contestants will be give a pink Saab with a bumper stickers that read, ""I'm Gay, I'm Vegan, I Voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"" The contestant who makes it back …

The Arrogance of Authority [Source](https://plus.google.com/u/0/108059114686877527512/posts/h4y17P9yTXq) A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, ""I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."" The rancher said, ""Okay , but don't go in that field over there....."", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "" Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"" Reaching into his rear…

Walking Eagle President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed ""YES"" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas f…

A DEA agent and a rancher A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, ""I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."" The rancher said, ""Okay , but don't go in that field over there....."", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ""Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. ""See…

The Arrogance of Authority A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher

A question of scale A Texas rancher and a Vermont dairy farmer are having a conversation about their farming operations at a cattleman's conference. The Vermont man asks how many acres of corn the Texan grew this year. ""I don't grow any."", said the Texan. ""Oh."", said the Vermonter, feeling embarrassed for asking . ""Well, how many acres of alfalfa do you grow then?"" ""None!"", said the Texan. ""So, you just have some pasture then?"", asked the Vermonter. Clearly annoyed by the condescending…

A Blind Man Goes For A Holiday A blind man goes for a holiday in Texas. He took a taxi from the airport to his hotel. He could sense that the taxi was very big and spacious. He said to the driver, ""Wow, you have a big taxi!"" The driver replied, ""Yes, everything is big in Texas."" When he reached the hotel, he could feel that the main lobby was huge. He told the manager, ""Your hotel must be really big."" The manager said,"" I know, everything's big in Texas."" Later in the day, he was walking…

Chilli Testing!!! If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springf…

Penguin in Texas A penguin decided he wanted to take a road trip. He had never really been out of Antarctica and really wanted to check out the States, so he flew to Miami and rented a car with the intent of driving to San Diego before flying home. Well, everything is going swimmingly until, somewhere in the middle of Texas when the low oil pressure' light comes on. ""That's not good"" says the penguin. he pulls off the highway and as luck would have it, finds a small town with a service station…

Chili in Texas Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead. Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!! Note from Frank: ""Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfie…

A cowboy rode into town. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. ""Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?"" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. ""Alright,…

Bank Robbery Gone Bad A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber…

(Long)A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.... The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the b…

Two duck hunters You know about the two duck hunters who were found dead in Texas? The lawyer for the defence says the accused acted in self defence and that the community says duck lives matter too.

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher....... He told the rancher, ""I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."" The rancher said, ""okay, but don't go into that field over there..."", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, ""look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. ""See th…

Merlot. Heard this one a while back, haven't seen it on Reddit yet so here it is. Long. A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said. ""The gentleman seated over there....and indicated the sender with a nod of his head wants you to have this wine. She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, she decided to send a reply by note. The waiter who was…

Fishing and tampons... A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says, ""Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."" The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. ""How many sales did you make tod…

Why is it illegal for a person living in Virginia to be buried in Texas? ...because they're still alive.

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas... and sees a beautiful blonde sitting there with her boyfriend. He pulls out his gun, and shoots the boyfriend. Then he walks up to the girl and asks, ""What a lovely girl like you doing in a place like this all alone.""