New York Jokes

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The head …

A Brit, American and South African Joke After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old …

True Story. My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and …

A dog attacks a little girl A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read in the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl". The man says: \- "But I am not a New Yorker!" \- "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the mo…

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one. A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving. "You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating." This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border into Colorado, a cop flashed his lights and the man pulled over. The cop walks up to the driver's side and the man rolls down his window. "Hey, Bud…

When the US elects President Susan Goldfarb ... The year is 2032 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine…

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never f…

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world... After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third -whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of St…

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York. After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

A Young Salesman A young guy from Texas moves to New York and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid sa…

Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York.... The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland." "Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school. "St. Mary's Catholic church" "Me too! What year did you graduate?" "1974" "Oh! Me too" they went on for a while discussing the similarities between their lives. One local turns to the bartender and asks, "Wha…

A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an airport in the South waiting on her flight back to New York, when a young southern girl sat down next to her. "Where y'all goin' to?" she asked the teacher. Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied, "I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions." The young lady thought a moment and replied, "Where y'all goin' to, *bitch*?"

Islamic joke I saw somewhere A man walking in New York’s Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life. A passing Fox News reporter says: “You’re a hero. Tonight’s TV news bulletin will say: ‘Brave New Yorker Saves Child.” The man replies: “I’m a tourist from Saudi Arabia.” That night the news on Fox TV says: “Islamic extremist kills New York dog.”

Two Jews at Miami Beach Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because he was older he decided to just keep the insurance money and retire. When …

Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites? New Jersey picked first.

A french guy, an italian guy and an amarican on a plane..... Among others, there are three guys on a plane. One is french, the other is italian and the third one is american. The american says: "I bet I can guess where we are without looking outside, just by extend my arm out of the window". The other two go "Well, lets see". So he puts his arm outside the window and sais "we just passed New York". "How do you know?" "Because I touched the Liberty Statue". The French guy says "I can do this t…

There was a runner... He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons. Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, yet they all failed. Finally, a humble chef from New York decided to try out. He made his hot dog for this runner and caught up to him. As soon as the runner took a bite, he was amaz…

Divorce An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sis…

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.   Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her id…

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots... Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness. "Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks. "Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mick's in London, Paddy's in Australia, and I'm here in New York. We hardly ever see each other these days, but when we left home, we swore we'd drink like th…

A guy is on vacation in Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law, when the mother-in-law unexpectedly passes away. Unsure of how to handle funeral proceedings so far from home, he asks a local funeral parlor in Jerusalem for advice. "Well sir, if you bury her here in Jerusalem, it will cost you about $150". "What about if I want to ship her body back to the U.S.?" - the guy asks "Well sir, that would cost approximately $20,000". The guy thinks about it for a little bit and says "you know w…

Today is the day Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the car…

Happy May Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was …

The Pope goes for a drive The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the Pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope.'' So, the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a sp…

Jewish Bra A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, …