New York Jokes

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told her, ""I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."" With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, ""What kind of bra?"" He repeated ""A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."" ""Ah, now I remember,"" said the saleslady. ""We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the…

A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door. 'Is your father there?' asked the tourist. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid. 'Well, is your mother here? No, she left before I got here,' said the kid. 'But,' protested the city slicker, 'are you never together as a family?' …

It is a little-known fact that before becoming president of South Korea, Syngman Rhee was for many years foreign corresponcent for Life magazine, dividing his time between their New York and Seoul offices. One day, he left New York for a routine trip to Seoul, but, when he wasn't heard from, the New York office became worried and called the Seoul office. The Seoul office confirmed that he had arrived as scheduled but had left almost immediately for North Korea. They quoted him as saying that he …

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. ""No. Absol…

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and …

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, ""I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."" ""Pop, what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"" the old man says. ""We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,"" and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on …

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, ""Ah'l go down raht now."" So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, ""May I help you sir?"" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, ""Would you like two Playtex?"" He answered, ""Ah'd luv…

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. ""What can I do for ya'll?"" asks the attendant. ""Fill 'er up with high test,"" replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. ""What kinda car is this?"" he asks. ""I never seen one …

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, ""What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"" The cowboy replied, ""See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."" ""That is disgusting and barbaric!!"" replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he wa…

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ""Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!"" Then silence. Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry …

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off. ""What did yo…

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, t…

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, ""Sir, have you been drinking?"" ""Just water,"" says the priest. The trooper says, ""Then why do I smell wine?"" The priest looks at the bottle and says, ""Good Lord! He's done it again!""

Worries While Flying Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine…

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who g…

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. Th…

Places I'd Rather Not Live - Paradox, New York - Crapo, Maryland - Boogertown, North Carolina - Spasticville, Kansas - Hellhole, Idaho - Purgatory, Maine - Girdletree, Maryland - Rabbithash, Kentucky

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' a…

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York, and as she gave the agent her luggage, she stated, ""I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."" The confused agent said, ""I'm sorry, we can't do that."" ""Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!""

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch she goes New York L.A. Chicago

Fred's class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York. ""Did you enjoy yourself?"" asked her mother when she got home. ""Oh yes"" replied Fred. ""But it was funny going to a dead zoo.""

A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter he said ""You know it's been over five years since I first came in here."" ""You'll have to wait your turn sir"" replied the harried and now irritated waiter ""I can only serve one table at a time.""

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says ""I'm Shaquille O'Neill the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me it would be unfair to them if I died."" So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger Hillary Clinton says ""I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world a Senator in New York and America's potential future Preside…

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush ""There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"" George Bush replies ""Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"" Osama answers ""I can see New York with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side and everything is peaceful and wonderful."" George Bush says ""Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see …

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named ""LOVE."" It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So thinking that he might be down the street she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing she said very honestly ""I'm looking for LOVE."" The policeman arrested her on the spot.