New York Jokes

Divorce An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on…

Do you want me to stop or just slow down A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registrat…

A blonde gets in an airplane... It is a one way flight to New York city and she sits down in the first open seat she sees. Moments later a man walks up to her and says, "umm, miss that's my seat." The blonde replies by saying, "Im blonde. Im beautiful and im going to new york." So the man goes to find a flight attendant to ask her. She goes up to the blonde and says, "mam, that is not your seat please move." To which the blonde declares, "Im blonde, im beautiful and i am going to new york." …

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for …

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenny," he says. "And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- …

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem. 'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.' 'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...' 'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who w…

Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once. "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how we can't be in the same bar, we figure if all three of us do this once a month, well--it's almost like we're drinkin' together." A month goes by, …

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school....... Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenny," he says. "And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handl…

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," says the sheriff imp…

Hillary Clinton goes t o a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks. I have three questions," he says. "1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi? 2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? And, 3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-bill…

Freddy the Flea Freddy The Flea Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach. Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad road. “Holy shit Oscar, what happened?” asks Freddy. Oscar says, “You won’t believe it Freddy, I just rode all the way down from New York on some biker’s mustache, and I damned near froze my ass o…

The trump family is flying from New York to DC Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?" So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?" EDIT: Thank you for the gol…

An old Yiddish joke I read once in my granddad's book He passed, during the recent hurricane I went looking through his old books, most of which I tore through as a kid. An Orthodox Jewish man living in New York, he spends his life being entirely faithful to his God, his family... And raises his son to do the same. Finally on his son's 16th birthday, the father takes a massive amount of his savings from his bank, and sends his son on Birthright, a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. His son comes …

Ben Grimm from the Fantastic Four, the hand from the Addams Family, and the alien monster Kurt Russell fought on the Antarctic drove from New York to Texas in less than an hour. Things went South real fast.

Statistics show that roughly every 15 seconds, a person in New York gets mugged. Poor guy.

The Fonz Henry Winkler was flying from London to New York and started to feel cold. He requested a blanket and pillow from the flight attendant. Upon returning with these items the flight attendant asked, “Would you like some headphones?” “I would love that!” he replied. “But it’s pronounced ‘Fonz’.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury was visiting New York Before he went, he was warned about predatory American newsmen, who would stop at nothing to score a juicy quote for the papers. As he was walking down the steps from the airplane, a horde of flashbulbs popped and a newpaperman yelled "Say, Archbishop, will ya be visitin' any strip clubs while you're over here?". The Archbishop smiled benignly and said "Are there really such establishments in this city?" Next morning his picture was on the fr…

My son asked me, “Dad, what’s the name of the river running through New York City?” Me: It’s Hudson. Son: Hud. Got it. Thanks Dad.

Mayonnaise Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was …

There was a guy in Los Angeles who wanted to go to New York and a guy in New York who wanted to go to Los Angeles. The man from LA drove to NY at 200MPH. The New Yorker drove to LA at 150MPH. Where did the two of them meet? In jail

This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York. The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are ready to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots. The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off. As they are airborne the intercom says: Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York. As you can see there are no attendants, and or pilots in this aircraft which is totally computerized so sit back, and enjoy the flig…

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!” The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again…” – Shamelessly stolen from Alan Lynch, Ithaca, New York via Readers' Digest

A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York. The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she's ever seen. "I'd like to know where that lady got those shoes," she said to her husband. The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, "Where did you get those shoes?" "I got them in a store just around the corner from here," replied the woman. "Nice. How much were they?" "Oh, around 300 dollars." "Thanks for …

New York is where you find the Big Apple. Minnesota is where the Minneapolis.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy