New York Jokes

Madonna is flying from New York to London . . . . . . and happens to be seated next to Oprah on the plane. They exchange pleasantries and settle in. Half way over the Atlantic ocean, the pilot comes on the PA and says, ""We just lost 3 engines. Prepare to go down in the ocean. Madonna grabs her carry-on and begins putting on diamond earrings, a diamond bracelet, and some diamond rings. ""What are you doing?"" Oprah asks. ""When the search team comes looking for us, their search light will hit my…

The Flamboyant Steward On an international flight preparing to land in New York, an obviously gay steward comes on the speaker and instructs the passengers, ""Okay ladies and gentlemen, please return your seats and tray tables to their upright positions because the pilot's gonna land the big scary plane real soon!"" Afterward, he walks through the first-class cabin for the routine check and sees one woman who still has her tray down. Politely, he asks, ""Ma'am, please put your tray up for landin…

Two blondes on an ariplane... Two blondes are on a flight from New York to Los Angeles to get to a modeling job. About 30 minutes into the flight, the captain makes an announcement. ""We seemed to have had an engine failure so were are flying on only three out of our four engines. We will be about 1 hour late for arrival in Los Angeles. We apologize for the inconvenience."" The blondes give each other confused looks, shrug their shoulders and then go back taking duck-face selfies with Instagram …

Joke Of The Day! A man and his wife just rented a room at a beautiful hotel in New York. The wife says ""Hey baby, how about we have some fun tonight. I'll make this day one you will never forget!"" ""I was thinking the same thing!"" The couple hit it off the whole night. She moaned with excitement. And his face was in a fixed position the whole time with his tongue licking up and down over and over, and over. She was sucking up and down, and couldn't stop till she was pleased. ""Baby, oh my god…

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a que…

3 jewish moms 3 moms are talking about their sons: The first one says ""my son is so rich that he can buy Paris!"", the second one answers ""are you kidding me? Mine is so rich that he can buy Paris AND New York!"", the third one looks at them and seems surprised, then she says: ""and what makes you think my son wants to sell???""

The death Symphony (x post from /r/feghoot) TL;DR monkey poo makes great pudding. In the mid 1950s the New York philharmonic was one of the best Symphony Orchestras in the world. And conducting was Major Jorge Fillmore. George Fillmore was a WWII vet who loved music, and found that conducting helped him keep his PTSD at a minimum (although PTSD had yet to be understood by the medical community, let alone given a name). The flow of the notes soothed his soul and the power of conducting such a lar…

A guy gets knocked down in the street A regular looking guy gets knocked down in the street in New York. A crowd gathers round him and a catholic priest pushes though. He has no idea if the guy is catholic or not but he sees that the guy is in a bad way and decides to give him the last rites anyway. The priest kneels down beside the guy and says 'My son: do you believe in god the father, god the son & god the holy ghost?' At this the guy opens one eye and says 'Oy vay - I am about to die and…

I'm always Frank & Earnest With Women In Chicago I'm Frank in New York I'm Earnest

An old married couple is travelling on the road. Decided to take a room. An old married couple is travelling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice h…

A woman walked into a bank, A woman walked into a bank in New York and asked for the loan officer. She said that she was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5000. The bank officer told her that he will need some kind of security for such loan. So the woman handed over the keys of a new Rolls Royce car that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything was checked and the bank agreed to accept the car as security for the loan. An employee rode the car into …

A young, recently married Italian couple immigrates to New York... ...and after three months of marriage, the wife, Maria, presents the husband, Ernesto, with divorce papers. Lawyers get involved, and eventually they are sitting in a meeting with each other's lawyers. Ernesto's lawyer asks Maria: Maria, why do you want to divorce Ernesto? Maria says ""Two reasons! One, he-a is always-a picking at-a his nose! Day and night! It's-a disgusting! And-a two, he-a never wants to make love with-a me on-…

Pre-Nuptial Agreements A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. ""I'll only marry you under three conditions. "" she said. ""Anything, anything,"" …

The U.N. delegates of the world were in a plane headed to New York for a peace summit. Thirty minutes into the flight, the pilot announces that an engine has been blown, and he demands they throw all the seats off the plane. After detaching the seats, they throw them off. Thirty minutes after that, he announces another engine has been lost., and he demands all carry-on luggage be throw off the plane. Thirty minutes after that, he announces that another engine has been blown, and requests that th…

It's starting to look like Christmas in New York A lot of the stores have trees in the window

NY Driver's license. A recently arrived Polish immigrant is taking eye test to get a driver's license in New York. The examiner shows him a card with the following letters: C Z A J K O K I W S The examiner asks - Can you read this? The Polish replies - Read??! I know this guy!!

I'm glad to see New York getting in the spirit of Halloween! New Orleans in 2005 was a great costume choice!

The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog) Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, with a tearful goodbye to his wasp coworkers, his wasp friends and his wasp parents (normal, hard working waspfolk with traditional wasp morals and a burni…

2 convicted murderers escaped a New York prison using cordless power tools. Authorities said,when they get a hold of them they will be charged.

Mad props to New York for dressing up as New Orleans for Halloween.

A guy in New York is selling the world's largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn't really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce.

A woman in New York is suing a Manhattan salon for $1.5 million over a bad haircut. The last time I saw a disaster like that with clippers was Donald Sterling.

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history. Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an ice…

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the very next port of call after the Titantics stop in New York. This shipment of mayonnaise would have been the largest ever delivered to Mexico but as we all know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo was lost forever. The people of…

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ""Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I…