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New York Jokes

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Awful food A Doctor was addressing a large audience in New York.. ""The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here te

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An English man visits America, hoping to hear a joke... He spends a week in New York, going to comedy shows, asking people on the street, spending hours and hours in bars waiting for someone interesting to walk in, but never manages to hear one he's never heard before. He gets a cab to go to the airport and the cabbie asks him, ""Why the long face?"" The Englishman says, ""I've had a disappointing trip. I don't suppose you could tell me a good American joke before I returned home?"" ""A joke!""

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A Lawyer thinks he can act smart with a cop A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says, ""License and registration, please."" ""What for?"" says the lawyer. The deputy says, ""You didn't come to a complete stop at the

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At The Zoo One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, ""I would like to see one of the zoos in America."" To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole. Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situ

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Topical Jokes for 10/16 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Joe Biden's son has been discharged from the Navy after testing positive for cocaine. Joe Biden contacted his son immediately and asked, ""Do you have any left!?!"" New York has selected yogurt as the state's official snack. Governor Cuomo made the decision after riding on the New York subway, and sitting in a substance that he assumed was yogurt. In Illinois, a cow that is 6 feet, 4 inches tall, has b

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So there's a janitor in New York.... So there's a janitor in New York, let's call him Joe. Joe's not all that particular about his work as long as he's working and getting paid. One day, Joe saw an job posting for a mosque looking for someone to clean the place up at night after the worshipers had gone home. So, he contacts the mosque and takes the job. It turns out that the worshipers generally keep the mosque pretty clean and it ends up being easy money for a guy like Joe. He's left with enoug

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Topical Jokes for 10/11 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Nielsen has announced that a technical error led to months of incorrect ratings. Employees at Nielsen suspected there was a glitch when an infomercial for adult diapers nabbed 84 billion viewers. There was an Ebola scare on a USAirways flight after a man sneezed and joked that he'd just come from Africa. But don't worry, doctors examined the man, and he tested negative for a sense of humor. TSA agents

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Her Family A guy from Arkansas goes to New York for the first time and meets the woman of his dreams. She happily agrees when he asks her to marry him, and they go down to Arkansas to plan the wedding. At the wedding, her brother tells the groom ""You'd better be gentle with her, she's a virgin..."" The groom suddenly runs all over the place shouting ""The wedding's off! Everyone out!!"" waving his arms all over in total dismay. His mother comes running up and asks what in the world the problem

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A priest dies... And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black clothing, has greasy slicked back hair and a overall punky attitude. He responds is a thick, NY accent, "" Yo yo my name is Joe. I'm a taxi cab driver from New York."" St. Peter finds

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Another Polish joke, translated At JFK Airport in New York, a guy walks into an elevator and sees a woman in uniform, mini skirt, jacket - some stewardess. The guy intrigued by this situation says: \- Hello, you fly USA Airways? A woman does not say anything, just looks at him in surprise. The guy he thought so what, he'll try again: \- Flugen Sie Lufthansa, ja? [You fly Lufthansa] More confused, the woman looks at him and says nothing. Oh well, he thought the guy ... I'll try again: \- Volare s

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Another Irish Joke Two men are sitting at a bar in New York. Bartender walks up and says ""What will ya have?"" At the same time the two men say ""A pint of Guinness."" They look at each other and one says ""You look familiar, are you from Ireland?"" The man replies ""Yes, Yes I am, from Dublin actually."" The other man replies ""Me too! What town!?"" The man says ""I'm from Belcamp."" The other man replies ""Me too! What street?"" Man replies ""Clonshaugh Road."" The other man again replies ""I

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A car collector from New York finally gets the Datsun he's been looking for, Unfortunately it was missing a few key parts to get it up and running. He takes it to his mechanic. The mechanic says ""you need some specific gear parts here - these cogs over here, you'll need two of them. You can only get them from this specialty parts dealer, and he's in California. The man decides to make a trip of it and goes out west. He finds the dealer and decides to buy a whole case of the parts and give the e

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How to Fail at Dating by Frank Reteguiz An Excerpt from the book ""How to Fail at Dating"": A Lesson of Tolerance in the South Date: ""What are you?"" Me: ""Puerto Rican."" Date:"" Oh, I thought you were Venezuelan."" Me: ""First time hearing that one."" Date: ""Oh, well you guys all look alike to me. You all come from the same area. You guys look alike just how black people look alike to me too...some white people look alike to me too"" Me: (WTF look) ""What?"" I tried to change subject but I q

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Three guys are kidnapped and stuffed in a van blindfolded, without knowing where they are. The van has an open window, and so, one of the guys moves closer to the window and says :""Hey guys, I think we are in Italy, I smell pizza"". The second guy moves closer to the window and says :""No man, we are in Mexico, I can smell the tacos"". The third guy goes like :""We are in New York, you morons"". The other two men ask : ""How do you know that for sure?"" The third guy answers : ""I put my hand o

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""I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."" During boarding, a first class passenger finds a blond sitting in his seat. After trying to explain she's in the wrong seat the blond just replies, ""I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."" A flight attendant is called over and asks to see the blondes ticket. ""Mam I'm sorry but your seat is in coach. You'll have to move."" The blond folds her arms and responds the same. ""I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York.

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So Mr. Cohen and Mr. Brown are about to start trade with each other. Mr. Cohen and Mr. Brown are two business men in New York. Mr. Brown is a fourth generation American, who owns a big clothing store, while Mr. Cohen is an old Jewish man, who immigrated to the U.S from Poland during the war. Mr. Cohen is small business owner, who makes cloth. One day Mr. Cohen requests that Mr. Brown to start making his clothes with Cohen's cloth. Mr. Brown agrees, on one condition; the first purchase must be a

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A man went to New York on a business trip... When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man's expense, so he asked, ""My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?"" The passenger had no idea. The driver replied, ""The third one was ME!"" The man went home to his wife and said to her. ""Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who

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A cop catches a Z4 with European plates doing 134 in upstate New York, so the cop gets out calling for backup and shouts ""Keep your hands on the wheel!"" while approaching the driver's side. He instructs the driver to lower the window. It's a pale bald guy wearing a dark turtleneck and thick plastic eyeglasses. ""Ja? I vas just admiring Ihre Autobahn. There is eine Art von Problem?"" ""Yeah, buddy,"" says the cop. ""This isn't 'ear auto bahn.' You're in New York State, and you have to respect O

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