Illinois Jokes

a serial killer that targets anyone who pronounces the "S" in Illinois

[Kitchen] Me: I'm a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state. Wife: No you don't the moon is full now. Me: *Illinois noises*

Can't stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

There's a guy out hunting and he shoots a duck. The DNR warden comes out of the woods and says, whachu got there? Got a duck, got a duck? He sticks his finger up the ducks butt, nods his head and says, thats a Wisconsin duck, you got a Wisconsin hunting license? The guy pulls out his wallet and shows him a Wisconsin hunting license. The next day, the same guy shoots another duck and the DNR warden comes out again. Says, Got a duck, got a duck? He sticks his finger up the ducks butt, nods his hea…

If you find yourself... ...sitting somewhere, and you look to your left and there is an Illinois Governor sitting there, and you look to your right and there is another Illinois Governor sitting there... you're probably sitting in jail. -Jon Stewart.

What is Illinois known for? The three C's. Chicago, Corn, and Corruption.

I was attending an economics lecture... ...and the professor was giving an example of an excise tax: ""...tires have an excise tax that varies from state to state. Illinois, for example, has a flat excise tax of $25 per tire."" I don't know, but that seems a little inflated.

My State of the Union I am from Illinois, but I also lived in Arizona for a while.

The State of Illinois has just unveiled its new welcome sign... Welcome to Illinois; not ALL of our elected officials have been indicted!

Topical Jokes for 10/16 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Joe Biden's son has been discharged from the Navy after testing positive for cocaine. Joe Biden contacted his son immediately and asked, ""Do you have any left!?!"" New York has selected yogurt as the state's official snack. Governor Cuomo made the decision after riding on the New York subway, and sitting in a substance that he assumed was yogurt. In Illinois, a cow that is 6 feet, 4 inches tall, has b…

The Last Kiss Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, ""Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"" She says tearfully, ""I'm going to commit suicide!!"" While he didn't want to appear …

Topical Jokes for 6/20 (For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality) In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937. In Illinois, a university is offering a scholarship for students who play video games. The school was then forced to suspend the program when a student found out you could get unlimited scholarships, by pressing up up, down down,…

Topical Jokes for 6/1 A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber saying the n-word. People are calling it the least offensive Justin Bieber video ever. In Illinois, a 115-pound-woman won a hot dog eating contest, after she ate 28 hot dogs. The judges then congratulated the 138-pound-woman. The NSA is reportedly collecting millions of images per day to build a facial-recognition database. The NSA is cataloguing the photos in a massive online database -- it's called Instagram.

font face=arial size=2> Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, 'What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?' The two guys reply, 'Well, you know, we're from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.' The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to f…

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture …

Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.

A heroic biker . . . Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit suicide." While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity eith…

Last Kiss Back in March, a group of Illinois bikers was riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and said: "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George als…

Family First (original joke) Mr. Scott Lood was a poor little farmer from Illinois who paid the bills by churning butter all day and all night. He came from a family of dairy farmers: his father was a cream maker

A man from Illinois An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel

Why does corn in Illinois lean east? Because Indiana sucks and Iowa blows.

Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago? Because 'Illinois you!

Heard about the honest politician from Illinois? Neither have I

What's the most popular website in Illinois? Cornhub.com