New York Jokes

What did the New York Salmon say to the driver? I'm swimming here!

I got mad at my uncle for telling me the results of the Cubs game because he is an hour ahead of me in New York. And he doesn't have a DVR.

The Crusading Nun. A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, ""Listen sister, I work hard for my mone…

""Is it a stupid question to ask how many parks there are in New York?"" It's not a stupid question. It's actually quite difficult to count, as more and more Koreans are moving here every day...

The Italian Restaurant Car Thieves Deep in New York, there was an upscale Italian restaurant. It served some of the richest people in all of the state. However, it was recently discovered that for years the waiters were running a scheme of stealing ladies' fancy cars. When the customer wasn't looking, the waiter would snatch the car key from their purse and replace it with another item. When the customer left the restaurant, they would search their purse and find gnocchi.

The Pope Drives The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hit…

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill. Bill: ""While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night."" Frank: ""That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?"" Bill: ""No, but my …

I was walking down the street in New York yesterday, when a black guy asked me if the Yankees won... I replied, ""Yeah man, you're free.""

WANRNING LONG! The Monk Joke. There once was a very successful lawyer in NYC. He had a wife and a kid but his life felt meaningless. After months of making more money than most of us will make in a life time he decides it truly just is not fulfilling. He loads up his Beamer and starts to drive. After some time he finds himself in up state New York surrounded by nature. He continues his drive until he happens upon a monastery. Hoping maybe he could find some peace there he stops and gets out of h…

A lawyer stopped by a sheriff A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says, ""License and registration, please."" Lawyer says, ""What for?"" Deputy says, "" You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."" Lawyer says, ""I …

Walking Eagle On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president. At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented Hillary Clinton with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Hillary Clinton then departed with her entourage, waving to the crowd as she left. A news reporter later …

Stop sign regulations. A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says, ""License and registration, please."" Lawyer says, ""What for?"" Deputy says, "" You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."" Lawyer says, ""I slowed …

3 Canadians, 5 Americans, 2 Franks, 1 Arab, 6 Brits, 4 Aussies and 2 Chinese are in line to board a plane from Texas to New York. Who gets randomly searched?

My most established grimy joke, From my granddad around the pit fire An old couple gets pulled over and... Woman cop - ""May I see you permit and enlistment sir?"" Old man - ""ugh, what did she say?"" Old spouse - ""She needs to see you permit and enlistment dear."" The old man hands it to the woman cop and... Woman cop - ""Gracious, I see you are from New York. I used to have a beau from New York, he was the most exceedingly terrible significant other I ever had."" Old man - ""ugh, what did she…

[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn. 'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.' 'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?' 'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.' 'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?' 'Yes, Senor, that's the one.' 'Damn! That's a real shame. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?' 'From eating rotten meat, Senor George.' 'Rotten meat? Who the hel…

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. ""Kenny,"" he says. ""And what is your question, Kenny?"" she asks. ""I have three questions,"" he says. ""First -- what happened in Benghazi? ""Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ""Th…

This humid weather reminds me of New York in the 80's Muggy.

A Brit working in New York meets a friend for lunch on his first day at work. The friend produces a packet of cigarettes and promptly begins to light one up. The Brit grabs the cigarette throws it to the floor and stamps it out. ""Are you insane"", asked the Brit, ""don't you know how insane the health laws in this country are?"" ""What do you mean?"" asked his friend. ""Well"", replied the Brit ""I asked the boss if I could pop out to smoke a fag, and he replied, it's fine by me but if you get …

How to be popular on Pokemon Go in New York. Go in a middle of Manhattan while playing Pokemon Go and yell with the top of your lungs; CHARIZARD ,CHARIZARD!!

The Idiot of the Year Every year, all of the biggest idiots of the world gather together to pick the Idiot of the Year. All of the most idiotic minds of the world pack into an auditorium, and watch the stage. Slowly the curtain rises on the stage, and the first person to identify the object is crowned ""Idiot of the Year"". Back in 2014, the idiots convened in Paris. The auditorium was filled, the lights were dimmed, and the audience trembled with excitement. The curtain started to rise, slowly …

His wife was packing her things ... Joe comes home from work to find his wife Alice packing her bags. ""Where are you going?"" Joe asked. ""I'm going to New York! I just heard that I can get $400 a night for doing what I do for with you for free."" Alice replied Joe then walks over to the closet and pulls out a bag and starts packing his things. ""Where are you going?"" Alice asked. ""I'm going to New York. I want to see how you live on $800 a year!""

The Smart Blonde A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. ""I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."" Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawye…

New York, ""Darling, can I go out in this dress?"" ""Yes dear, it's already dark out.""

A joke for the Irish. A man gets a job in a pub in a tiny village in the nack of nowhere in Ireland. On his first night there an old farmer comes in and asks for 3 pints of Guinness. The barman pulls the pints and watches him drink them slowly, one after the other. When he finishes he asks for another 3 pints. This goes on all night until the barman finally says ""You know, you'd be better off getting one at a time so they stay fresh"". The old farmer replies ""Shur I know that. But I have a bro…

Happy Cinco De Mayo For me Sinko de Mayo is truly a day to celebrate. Few people have come to know the ""true"" story of the origin of Sinko de Mayo. It is my pleasure to set the record straight. A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have be…