New York Jokes

Did you hear they are still going to run the New York Marathon? Phelps is the favourite.

What's the longest Island in New York? Long Island.

Did ya' hear about the bear that tried to fly from British Columbia to New York? They wouldn't let him bring his carrion. Sorry.

What is the difference between an ounce of cocaine and an infant? Eric Clapton would absolutely NEVER let an ounce of cociane fall 49 stories out a window onto the streets of New York.

Did you hear that they are building massive oscillating blades in New York? I wasn't a big fan of the idea

Did you know that New York has two capitals? N and Y.

What do you call a basketball team full of giraffes? The New York Necks

Are you a cop from New York? Because you take my breath away.

Why does New York have all the lawyers while New Jersey got all the garbage dumps? New Jersey got to pick first

What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York? The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign

How long does it take a monkey to fly a plane from LA to New York? About 6 hours.

What basketball team does a vampire play for? The New York Necks

What is the difference between a dentist and a New York baseball fan? One yanks for the roots, the other roots for the Yanks.

If Hillary brought a carpet bag to New York, what did Bill bring? Hard wood.

Have you ever been to New York? No, I ain't never been to that place. Must be new or something.

Three women were sitting around boasting about their sons. One said: "My son graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Seattle." The second woman said: "My son graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making $500,000 a year in San Francisco." The third woman said: "My son never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes a $1,000,000 a year in New York working as a sports repairman." "What's a sports…

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty young woman said to the salesman: "I'd like this material for a dress. How much does it cost?" "Just one kiss per metre," grinned the smooth-talking salesman cheesily. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten metres." With anticipation written all over his face, the salesman quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it, and then teasingly held it out. The girl grabbed the package, pointed to the wizened old man standing next to her an…

An Irish cop in New York was called to a disturbance in the street. A crowd had gathered to watch a young man who was threatening to jump from the roof of a twelve-storey building. The cop yelled up to the man: "Don't jump! Think of your father!" "I haven't got a father," the man shouted back. "I'm going to jump!" "No, don't jump!" pleaded the cop. "Think of your mother!" "I haven't got a mother either," said the man. "I'm going to jump!" "No, don't jump!" yelled the cop. "Think of your children…

On the last day of his visit to New York, a Japanese tourist hailed a taxi to take him to the airport. During the journey, a Honda car overtook the taxi, and the Japanese guy shouted out excitedly: "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" A few minutes later, a Toyota overtook the taxi, and the Japanese guy shouted out excitedly: "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" Shortly afterwards, the taxi was overtaken by a Mitsubishi, prompting the Japanese guy to shout out excitedly: "Mitsubishi, very fast! Mad…

How do you brainwash an Italian? Give him an enema. Why are most New York Italians called Tony? Because on the boat over to America, they wore a sticker that said: "TO NY". My Dad used to say, 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do.' That was just before he got locked up in an Italian prison for murdering 20,000 Christians. Lee Mack

The Iranian Ambassador to the United Nations met George W. Bush on a recent visit to New York. At the end of his stay, the ambassador turned to Bush and said: "I have just one question about what I have seen in America. My son watches this show called Star Trek, and in it there is Chekov, who is Russian, Scottie, who is Scottish, and Sulu, who is Chinese, but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and does not understand why there are not any Iranians in Star Trek. Bush smiled: "That's because…

A woman from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant. "My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the east we think breeding is everything." "Oh, I don't know," replied the woman from Chicago. "Where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well." It's so cold in New York City today that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in Hell. David Letterman Why …

Back in the 1940s, two first-time flyers took a plane from New York to Los Angeles. When they made their first stop – at Philadelphia – a red truck arrived to put fuel in the plane. A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh, and again a red truck pulled up to fill the plane's tanks with fuel. Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing the truck pull up again, one passenger s…

It was mealtime during a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: "Would you like dinner?" "What are my choices?" said the passenger. "Yes or no," replied the flight attendant. You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says, 'Back in five minutes.' Jeff Foxworthy

Two women chatting in the supermarket. One said, “But how did you know that your husband was drunk?” “He tried putting his pin number into the microwave!” replied the other woman. 3577. A French woman phoned reception at the hotel where she was staying in New York and asked if room service could send her up some pepper to her room. “Is that black pepper or white paper” asked the receptionist. “Neither, I want toilet pepper!” came her reply.