Teacher Jokes

A teacher trying to teach good manners ... A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question: ""Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"" Michael said: ""Just a minute I have to go pee."" The teacher responded by saying: ""That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"" Sherman said: ""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be…

I bumped into my old English teacher. He said, ""What's new?"" I said, ""It's an adjective.""

Old Soviet joke On September 1, 1945, a second grade teacher asks her students who have war medals to share how they have helped the war effort. A little girl raises her hand. ""Yes, Tanechka"" says the teacher, ""do you have something to share?"" Tanechka says ""I was in the hospital helping to dress the wounds for the wounded soldiers."" ""That's great"" says the teacher ""and what did the soldiers say to you?"" ""They said 'Thank you, Tanya."" ""Very good, Tanechka. Petenka, what about you?""…

Little Johnny strikes again The teacher came up to johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what seperates you from a monkey. Johnny said with confidence ""the desk"".

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department... ...and says, ""I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."" Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, ""You have great wisdom. Say something!""The professor says, ""I should have taken the money!""

Back when I was in school... I was a huge metal fan. One day this really pretty girl came over and sat down next to me in the lunch room. I tried so hard to be cool, I'd never tried to be cool so hard in my life! Then the worst possible thing happened. The teacher started walking over towards me, and when she got there... she unplugged me.

A teacher is grading tests when she notices one student is getting every question right, but then dividing the answer by two Bewildered, she has a talk with him. He tells her he doesn't understand what the issue is, to which the teacher responds, ""Look, the first step to getting better is admitting you halve a problem.""

Kids are learning about colors in class. So the teacher asks them to make up a sentence using colors. First the teacher asks Maria and she says: ""I ate a red apple in the morning"" Teacher: ""Very good Maria, now you Robert, give us a sentence that uses a color"" Robert: ""I like looking at the blue sky"" Teacher: ""Nice job Robert. Now you Johnny, tell me a sentence using a color"" Johnny: ""Green! Green!"" he mimics picking up a phone ""Yellow? Yellow?"" He mimics hanging up the phone ""Pink!…

Little Johnny is in English class... And the teacher calls on the class. ""Who can give me an example of a sentence using the word, 'Definitely'?"" Little Susie raises her hand, ""The sky is definitely blue."" ""Very good,"" replies the teacher, ""but when it's nighttime the sky is black, and when it's raining the sky is grey. Anyone else?"" Little Timmy raises his hand,""Grass is definitely green."" ""Very good,"" the teacher again replies, ""But Kentucky has blue grass and grass turns brown as…

A student asks his maths teacher.. Student:Do you believe in god? Teacher:Well,I believe in higher powers.

Teacher offers Monday absence to the students in a middle school class ...If anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase. So Sarah raises her hand, and says ""The sky is definitely blue."" Teacher tells her: ""That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"" After some silence, Ted raises his hand. ""The grass is definitely green"", he declares. ""Now that's an excellent one!"" The teacher declares. "…

The students of a medical school are attending their first biochemistry class. They all gathered around the lab table with a urine sample. The professor dipped his finger in urine & tasted it. Then he asked the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every one dipped their finger in the urine sample and tasted it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them & said: The most important quality is 'Observation'. I dipped my middle finger but…

Back in high school.. ...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. …

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife ""Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband."" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting fo…

The teacher asked the class if everyone got the syllabus. Jimmy raised his hand and said, ""No, I took the boring short bus to school.""

Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher? They are flexible.

What comes after 69? Student: mouthwash teacher: get out

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is. ""who can sing the Alphabet"" enquires the teacher 'Y'arrrr I can"" says BB Junior ""Ok BB, go ahead"" the teacher encourages BB stands up full of confidence ""A B C C C C C C C D E F..."" ""Stop"" the teacher interrupts ""thats not right BB there is only one C"" BB looks at her as if she's an idiot ""WRONG"" he retorts ""THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*""

Johnny wasn't picked up after school.. And the teacher decided to take him home until his mom shows up. It's late and the teacher made him dinner. Johnny: can i eat in front of TV? My mom always lets me do that. Teacher: sure honey. Couple of hours later his mother still didn't show up and the teacher puts Johnny to bed. Johnny: I'm scared, can i sleep in one bed with you? My mom always lets me do that. Teacher: sure honey. Johnny: it's too hot under the blanket, can i take my clothes off? My mo…

I tried to bring my dead friend to class with me, but the teacher kicked him out. Guess he's too ghoul for school.

Teacher and student Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass? Student: I didn't even know they were catholics.

A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying: 2+5, the son of a bitch is 7 A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying: 2+5, the son of a bitch is 7 3+6, the son of a bitch is 9. . . His Mom: What are you doing? Boy: I'm doing maths homework Mom: this is how your teacher taught you? Boy: Yes Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day 'What are you teaching my son in maths?' Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition. Mom: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bit…

A horse is watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says ""that looks amazing, I want to do that!"" The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. ""Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar."" Says the horse. ""Sure,"" says the man on the phone. ""Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."" ""There's just one problem,"" says the horse. ""I'm a horse."" ""Not to worry,"" the man says. ""We have new state of the art tec…

Grown-up Words A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term. ""Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."" So Jamie excitedly stood up and said ""I went on a choo-choo!"" The teacher grimaced and replied ""No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?"" Sarah stood up and exclaimed "…

A math teacher was lecturing his class Suddenly, the professor popped a question,What is ((353.4463415315)+7992-285)69-0.2 equal to?' The students were really confused, one who was extremely frustrated stands up and yells and slams on his table,NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!' The teacher was impressed and said, Correct, now you can sit down, Adolf.'