Teacher Jokes

My girlfriend got D for Christmas from her Math teacher.

Teacher: I wish you'd pay a little attention, David. David: I'm paying as little as I can, teacher.

A teacher doesn't want baby talk from her students A second grade teacher asks her students what they did over the weekend. The first student says ""I went on a choo-choo train! ""That's good,"" says the teacher, ""but we're in second grade now and we should talk like grown-ups. You should say you went on a train."" The second student says ""We went camping and I saw a bunny rabbit!"" The teacher raises a finger. ""That sounds exciting! But remember, talk like a grown-up. Just say 'rabbit.'"" A …

The Woman Marine Pilot The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Des…

Jewish and black kid A Jewish and black kid asked his teacher one day ""am I more black or more Jewish?"" The teacher didn't know how to answer, so he told the boy to ask his rabbi. So, the boy asks his rabbi ""am I more Jewish or more black?"" The rabbi told him to ask his mother. So the boy ran home and asked his mom ""am I more Jewish or more black?"" The mom tells him to go ask his father. So the boy goes to his dad and says ""dad, my teacher told me to ask my rabbi who told me to ask my mom…

A classic Tommy Cooper gag * I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' * He said: 'How flexible are you?' * I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'""

Teacher: What is the unit of energy? Students: Yes!

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

A professor, a graduate student and a post-doc are researching genie conjuring when, lo and behold, they say the right words and the genie pops out. The genie says, ""I have to give 3 wishes, so since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish."" The post-doc says, ""Me first! I want to be on a beach in Hawaii with a Mai Tai on one side and a Chippendale on the other!"" Poof! She's gone. The grad student says, ""Me next! I want to be in the Bahamas on a speedboat with a beautiful woman rubbing my s…

My English teacher is living proof that Grammar Nazis still exist. Sorry... Alt-Write.

All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.

I Wish I had Trump As A Teacher Citations would be super easy ""You know it, I know it, everyone knows it""

Stole this from a friend on FB One day in a Contract Law class, the Professor asked one of his better students, ""Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"" The student replied, ""Here's an orange."" The professor was livid. ""No! No! Think like a lawyer!"" The student then recited, ""Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its …

Little Johnny is in class one day... Teacher: ""Three birds are on the tree. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"" Little Johnny: ""None."" Teacher: ""Listen carefully: Three birds are in the tree. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"" Little Johnny: ""None."" Teacher: ""Can you explain that answer?"" Little Johnny: ""One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."" Teacher: ""Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."" Little Johnny: ""Teacher, can I…

A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what's the first letter of the alphabet so she said ""Shut up."" His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said ""YES YES YES!!!"" because his favorite team had just scored. His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what's the third letter of th…

Dangerous Assumption On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit... She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and …

Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn. (Stolen from laffy taffy)

My ceramics teacher was excellent. Day after day, she was always kiln it.

Little Timmy always procrastinated his schoolwork A few weeks ago, his teacher assigned the class to write a 10,000 word paper on a great philosopher, but with just 12 hours until the paper was due, Little Timmy had not written a single word. Realizing his predicament, Little Timmy hastily took a pencil out of his drawer and sat down in front of blank paper to begin. Although he knew nothing about philosophy, he knew that if he wanted to finish in time, he'd have to start writing and hope that s…

Little Jimmy was sleeping in class when... The teacher saw him dozing off and interrupted his nap. He said in a stern tone: ""Jimmy, you know you can't sleep in class."" Jimmy retorted: ""Yeah, but if you were a little quieter I could.""

An English class is writing an essay One of the students asks how long the essay should be. The teacher responds, ""Like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep me interested"".

My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, ""Fried chicken."" She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am, Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to …

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals She said ""What does the fat Cow give us?"" Her students shouted out ""Milk!"" Unanimously. She then said ""Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"" Her students responded with ""Eggs!"" She then said ""Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"" Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted ""Homework!""

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. ""Why do you want a glass of cider?"" the teacher asks. ""To take away the pain,"" sobs the little girl. ""What do you mean?"" the teacher asks. ""Well,"" sobs the little girl. ""I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider.""

My teacher said, ""Are you chewing gum?"" I said, ""Do I look like chewing gum to you?""