Teacher Jokes

Nietzsche, Freud, and Picasso walk into a bar... This was the title of one of my essays in class, and now the professor wants to know what the rest of the joke was. Can anyone come up with something particularly clever?

I just found out that my geology professor passed away... my sediments go out to his family

Eating Your Homework Mom: Billy, why are you eating your homework? Billy: The teacher said it was a piece of cake!

little johnny likes to gamble. Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, ""I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."" So he calls the teacher and says, ""My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."" The teacher says OK, she can handle it. The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, ""Hi, my name is Johnny."" …

Little Johnny's dad Little Johnny's teacher asks every kid in the class to share what their dads to for a living. ""My dad's a fireman."" ""My dad's a policeman."" Soon, all the kids except little Johnny had shared. The teacher asks: ""Little Johnny, what does your father do?"" ""Nothing, he's dead."" ""Well, I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"" ""He shit his pants and turned blue.""

Pupil shows art for teacher A pupil came and showed something that he draw. He said that he drawed a cow eating grass. The teacher said: But there's nothing there! Then the pupil said: It's because the cow ate all the grass and went away to look for some more grass. *Excuse my grammar, not perfect at english*

""Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures."" Edwin Louis Cole Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. ""What is your name?"" asked the teacher. ""Jassem"". . .. answered the kid. ""You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,"" replied the teacher. In the evening, Jassem returned home. ""How was your day, Jassem?"" asked his mother. ""My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "" ""Ah, are you asham…

An arab child Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. ""What is your name?"" asked the teacher. ""Jassem""- answered the kid. ""You are in America now, From now on your name will be Johnny,"" replied the teacher. In the evening, Jassem returned home. ""How was your day, Jassem?"" asked his mother. ""My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "" ""Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your herita…

Old fighter pilot goes to his great-grandchild's 7th grade class to talk about his experiences. He tells the class, ""I remember one time, me and my squadron was comin' back from escortin' some B-17 and we're almost over the Channel, when one a dem Fokkers come out of a cloud..."" A few kids chuckle at this but the old guy keeps going. ""Me and my wingman took care of him right quick, but then two more Fokkers show up..."" There's more laughter and the teacher's starting to look annoyed; the pil…

3rd Grade Math, Little Johnny is on point! So a teacher is teaching a 3rd grade math class and asks the class, ""If three birds are sitting on a wire, and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?"". Little Johnny raises his hand and the teach says ""yes little Johnny"". Little Johnny answers with ""zero"". The teacher says, ""No little Johnny I'll ask again, If three birds are sitting on a wire, and a hunter shoots one, how many are left"". Little Johnny thinks for a couple seconds and says, ""ye…

Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class... so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers ""none"". she says ""no tommy, there would be 9"". he then looks at her and says ""thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would a…

a misunderstanding teacher to class: can anyone use the word fascinate in a sentence? little johnny: my sister has ten buttons on her shirt but she can only fasten eight

What is this compound? Chemistry teacher drew this during class. http://imgur.com/fQyNg Don't know how to type spoilers, but maybe rot13 will do. Vg'f n cnenqbk.

The Math Professor and the Plumber [GEEKY] A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before. The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. ""This is one-third of my monthly salary!"" he yelled. Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, ""I understand your position as a professo…

Death of a College Student I was having some trouble in my Physics class; I just couldn't understand some of the things I was being taught. I decided to go to office hours to try to learn directly from my professor. Even in office hours, the other students were much better than me, and I was constantly getting questions wrong. The professor noticed my frustration and took me up to the roof for a private chat. He took me by the shoulder, and said that I had a lot of potential here. Then the rat-b…

Offensive Teacher. Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools, tired of constantly moving around i said to him ""Son if this keeps happening they are going to ban you from teaching altogether.""

Smartest Kid in 1st Grade A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.…

So my science teacher started class today with ""Relative Dating....."" It's like prom night in Kentucky.

Big People Words [Big People Words](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/16/big-people-words/) A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana.' 'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had…

I'm trying get a job as a geometry teacher... Because I want to make at least 6 figures.

It was just a misunderstanding My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip. ""Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f???ers."" Wife: ""er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f???er?"" David: ""Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"" Wife: ""but who said they were called, er, f???ers?"" David: ""that was our teacher. Well actually she called them ""effers,"" but we all knew what she meant.""

My 10 year old niece said her science teacher entered her in a science fair I said, call the police!

An anthropologist is completing his lifelong study of world dance... And he's celebrating. Celebrating his tail off. See, he'd spent the last 25 years cataloging every single dance performed by every group in the world. Polish Bogarodzicas. Sioux Buckskin dances to Seminole Green Corn dances. Inuit dances to the whales, Ghanaian Kpanlongo, Finnish step-dance. All of it. And he's found himself in Australia, recording the last one of all. A Wungubal in the north, performed by a small group of Abor…

Little Johnny was reading a book in his class when his teacher came up to him and said ""Johnny if there were five birds and I shot one of them how many birds would be left"" Johnny replied ""None, the others would fly away"" the teacher said ""the answer is four but I like the way your thinking "" so Johnny said ""If there were three women eating an Ice cream cone, one was sucking the cone , one was biting the cone and one was licking the cone which one is married?"" the teacher nervously repli…

A 3rd grade student would always answer ""It depends"" to every question his teacher asked... The teacher got tired of it, so he told the director that he couldn't continue teaching to that student. The director told the teacher to take the next day off because he would give the class the next day. The next day, the director entered the classroom, introduced himself and then started making questions to the student. -""How much it's 2+2?"" -""It depends. If it's horizontal 22, if it's vertical 4.…