Teacher Jokes

The Mathematician from Brooklyn A mathematician hailing from Brooklyn, NY gets invited to the annual conference for mathematics, statistics and logic. Upon arriving, he notices that a world-renown professor is hosting what was listed as ""The Unbeatable Brain-Teaser"". He decides to sign up, and gets in the single-file line for a one-on-one chance to attempt to solve the professor's riddle. Once inside the conference room, the Brooklyn man is told that he will be faced with a 3-part riddle. The …

A man is shopping when he notices a hot blond girl is staring at him After a while he asks her: ""I'm sorry, but do we know each other?"". She replies: ""Yeah, I think you are the father of one of my children."" The man knows very well he only cheated once and clearly remembers everything that happened so lowers his voice: ""Ah, then you must be the call-girl from my bachelor party that I was banging on the snooker table while your girlfriend was spanking my ass with the bullwhip."" The girl rep…

What does the chemistry teacher like to do with his dead bodies after he kills 'em? Barium.

How to keep kids from acting up in class A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a…

Don't ask... So one fine day, a young boy is listening to the radio. He has very bad reception so the radio is sort of static, nevertheless, he catches something about a purple donut. His curiosity sparked, he meanders over to his mother and said, ""Momma, what's a purple donut?"" She then gets this wild look in her eye an grabs a bat and begins to vigorously beat the boy. She yells, ""Get your ass to school, when you get home your going to the cellar!"" So he walks to school. He has a bloody no…

Teacher persuasion, failed. The children had all been photographed for their high school picture, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ""Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,"" There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or ""That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ""And there's the teacher. She's dead.""

Use the word definitely in a sentence A teacher of a grade three class is teaching her class about the word definitely. Towards the end of class the teacher asks the class to use definitely correctly in a sentence. A boy named Tom puts his hand up first. ""Tree leaves are definitely green."" ""That is incorrect because during Fall leaves can turn red and orange."" replies the teacher. A girl named Susie puts her hand up next. ""The sky is definitely blue."" ""That is also incorrect because durin…

The grade three teacher asks the class to use the word ""contagious"" in a sentence and little johnny put's up his hand... ""Yes Johnny?"" ""Well miss, my dad actually used that word on the weekend. We were driving out in the countryside when we got stuck behind a pumpkin truck full of pumpkins. When my dad tried to pass him he sped up, so when we got to a roadside diner we stopped for lunch. ""Later on, we found the pumpkin truck further up the road on its side with pumpkins all over the road a…

Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, ""Where is Pakistan?"" He replies ""Outside playing with Paki-Dave.""

So a teacher asks his class the question... ""What's your opinion on donating food to foreign countries?"" The African student says, ""What's food?"" The Indian student says, ""What's donating?"" The American student says, "" What's foreign countries?"" And the Chinese student says, ""What's my opinion?""

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, ""I'm drawing God."" The teacher paused and said, ""But no one knows what God looks like."" Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ""They will in a minute.""

What starts with f and ends with k... A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ""Harry, what's your problem?"" Harry answered, ""I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The princi…

It's contagious A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. ""Carl,"" she says. Carl says, ""My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."" ""Very good,"" says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, ""The atmosphere was contagious."" The teacher says, ""Excellent, Suzie!"" Then she notices that littl…

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying he was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and asked for his mother to have a talk with him. So his mother takes him quietly by the hand, upstairs to the bedroom. ""First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse"" she said to Johnny. So he unbuttons the blouse and takes it off. ""Now, take off my skirt"", and he takes off her skirt. ""Now, take off my bra and panties."" Johnny finishes removing the…

Mary is sitting in Sunday school... She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks ""Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"" A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells ""My GOD!"" The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class ""Who is the son of God?"" The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells ""JESUS CHRIST!"" The teac…

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess... The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. ""If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day,"" the teacher explains. ""Tommy, what'd you do for recess?"" she asks the first student. ""Well,"" Tommy begins, ""I played in the sand box with Suzy!"" ""Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gol…

No problems A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of…

A kindergarten teacher... A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word ""definitely"" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said ""The sky is definitely blue"". The teacher said, ""Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy"". Another student says, ""Grass is definitely green."" The teacher again replies ""I…

a kid at school the teacher told the students... ""i will let you out of class early if you get the next questions right""...... first question.. what is the capital of texas..... michael raised his hand and said AUSTIN she let him go.... a few seconds later johnny threw a peice of paper at the teacher and hit her in the face... she got mad and asked WHO THREW THAT johnny said I DID and took off cuz he got the answer right..... feak...

High Urinals A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon) - but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came ou…

I took a Holocaust class in college. Instead of A's the professor gave out gold stars.

Rave culture: A professor rushes two of his students to the maternity ward and says to the doctor... ""Brah! My pupils are super dilated right now!""

Naughty Little Johnny Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. ""Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"" ""None."", replied Johnny. ""'cause the rest would fly away."" ""Well, the answer is four,"" said the teacher. ""But I like the way you are thinking."" Little Johnny said, ""I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a sh…

A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him. She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, ""Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."" She responds, ""My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."" The guy's mind reels with shock, and he thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife. He asks, ""Were you the dancer at my batchelo…

Divorce Joke my Family Law Professor Told Elderly couple, 102 and 98 years old respectively. And they are getting a divorce. Judge asks them why they are getting one now... ""we were waiting for the kids to die""