Teacher Jokes

Kids today will never know what it's like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to [I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice] Except maybe that guy

[Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.

Hi, I'm your son's teacher, Ms. Frizzle. Funny story, your kid is dead and inside a tortoise

Emailing professors be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: "sure" -sent from my iPhone

Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War? Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man. T: ....

You're doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything? -Me as a Drivers Ed teacher

[accidentally calls teacher "mom"] MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something. ME: what's for dinner tonight BRAIN: what

[parent/teacher meeting] "you must've read to him as a baby" *leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn't even know him when I was a baby

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks- ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back AT: You're expelled

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural? Dumb Bob: You add S. T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us. DB: [writes] SNAIL

In an elevator with my geology professor and my ex-geology professor. Can you say ROCKward?

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. "If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?" Diabetes?

Teacher: Does anyone have questions? Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? T: Holy Shit

My 6yo's homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Nobody believes that my first grade teacher was named Furious Crapjacket.

[parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?

WIFE: Let's role-play ME: OK W: U be a teacher *I get up & leave* W: Where u going? M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do?

ME: why is my son failing TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he'll be intelligent ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

[Amphibian Playground] BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog! TEACHER SNAKE: i'll handle this *eats everyone*