Teacher Jokes

[Dog yoga class] Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose [Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

Teacher: you can be anything you want Me: Beyonce Her: well, not that (we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...) Me: Hi I'm Beyonce

Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.

TEACHER: That's the third time this week - please explain your tardiness ME: Well, it basically means that I've been late

Me: Hello Teacher: Hello M: How's my kid doing in school? T: How's my kid doing in school? I hate parrot teacher conferences

Turns out "pick the biggest one & punch him in the face" gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Emailing teachers be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: "sure" -sent from my iPhone

[Michael Bay directing] "WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK" Teacher: This is your son's 3rd grade play "Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS"

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, then why can't he fix my marriage

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight? Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

[taking atendance] teacher: jimmy jimmy: here teacher: susie susie: here teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel omnipresent sentinel: always

teacher: there's no such thing as a stupid question me: are sharks just mean dolphins teacher: ok i was wrong

Professor i'd like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment "lame" on all her wedding pics on facebook

One time I called my teacher "mom" and she looked so confused and said "I'm not your mom." It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.

I wonder what TSA would do if I brought a block of ice through airport security. My physics teacher said it's not a liquid.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no...

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids! MAGENTO: I think you've got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

ME: snakes are mean TEACHER: right ME: but it's not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs TEACHER: ok ME: so the ends justify the mean

I envision my high school English teacher reading my tweets, lighting up cigarette after cigarette and putting each one out on her arm.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now] TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A's...[slides envelope] Teacher: Is this what I think it is? Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

People who tweet a lot of motivational stuff on here are the same people who reminded the teacher she forgot to give out homework.

BRAIN: it's 4am u up? ME: leave me alone B: who was our grade 5 teacher? M: stop B: why's our eye itchy? M: I'm ignoring u B: engage bladder

7: Its the last week of school so we don't have to go. Can I stay home? Me: Ha! Nice try, kid. Teacher: Its true. Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.