Teacher Jokes

Boy Tells Teacher He's Too Smart For The First Grade. A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, ""I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too."" The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to th…

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, ""School Ahead, Go Slow.""!

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV... He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says ""that looks amazing, I want to do that!"" The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. ""Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar."" Says the horse. ""Sure,"" says the man on the phone. ""Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."" ""There's just one problem,"" says the horse. ""I'm a horse."" ""Not to worry,"" the man sa…

I told my math teacher I was freezing cold and he told me to go stand in the corner of the classroom. Because it was 90 degrees.

Best Student reply to Teacher Physics Teacher: ""Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"" Student: ""Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything.""

Math Professor Joke A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, ""How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck."" But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, ""Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated…

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter who introduces them to an angel to show them where they would be staying. These men were greeted by this angel who says to them ""You're going to be spending a lot of time here in heaven and there is a lot to see, but first I'll show you where you guys will be staying."" So they began down the gold streets and into a neighborhood with large houses, the types of houses that you would find in the wealthiest part of town. They arr…

The teacher asks the class what should you do if a bear starts chasing you..... Daniel raise his hand and says: Run. Teacher: And what do you do if the bear runs faster? Daniel: Run faster! T: And what do you do if the bear runs even faster? D: Climb into a tree. T: And what do you do if the bear climbs after you? D: Climb higher! T: And what if the bear also keeps climbing? D: Jump down. T: And what if the bear jumps after you? D: Shoot it. T: And if the bear does not die? D: Shoot it again! T:…

Nobel Prize Joke A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says ""I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word."" The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the audi…

History Teacher: what ended in 1918 ? Student: 1917

A math teacher went to school drunk... He told the class that they were going to learn derivatives and then proceeded to pass out. He was removed from the school and fired immediately. The lesson? Don't drink and derive

A Pakistani boy takes admission in an American School. A Pakistani boy takes admission in an American school ... Teacher : Whats your name ? Boy : Nadir Teacher : No, you are in America now so from now on your name is Johnny. The boy went home after his school ended and his mother asks him ""How was the day Nadir?"" Boy : Mom, I am an American now, so call me Johnny. The boy's Mom and Dad both get offended and beat him up. Next day he goes back to school all bruised ... Teacher : What happened J…

I get turned on by my Maths teacher... ... because she is the reciprocal of cosC

Elaphant inside a fridge Student: Sir, can I ask a question? Teacher: Yes! Student: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge? Teacher: I don't know. Student: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question! Teacher: Ok, ask. Student: How to put a donkey inside the fridge? Teacher: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. Student: No sir, You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in. Teacher: Ooh...ok!! Student: Let me ask another one. If all…

When someone botched a joke. Teacher: ""Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "" Class: ""umm"" Me to friend: ""that was like a dead baby..."" Friend: ""what?"" Me: ""poor delivery"" This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.

What do you say when the yoga teacher tells you to leave class for no reason? Nah, I'mma stay.

Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo That's when I had to put my foot down. EDIT: some shit

In a philosophy class... Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer. One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay. 1. Don't use no double negatives. 2. Don't abbrev. 3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases. 4. About sentence fragments. 5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary. 6. Keep tense consistent. You didn't want to shift from present to past. 7. Use semi-colons; only between; independent clauses; don't scatter them around; in…

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.""Why do we have to learn this stuff?"" the frustrated student blurted out.""To save lives,"" the professor responded before continuing the lecture.A few minutes later the student spoke up again. ""So how does physics save lives?""The professor stared at the student without saying a word. ""Physics saves lives,"" he finally continued, ""because it keeps the idiots out…

A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife... ""My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting …

The kid can't catch a break... Teacher: what's wrong? Johnny: our house is very small, Me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad ask if I'm sleeping, I say No then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye. Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet and don't answer. The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face. Teacher: My goodness why the swelling? Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping... I shut up and kept de…

A man in need of a brain A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price. The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive The doctor replies: because it's never used

What do you call a flatulent teacher? A tutor

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. ""In English,"" he said, ""a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."" A voice from the back of the room retorted, ""Yeah, right.""