Teacher Jokes

Jack walks up to his teacher and asks... Jack: Can you eat lightbulbs? Teacher: No, why? Jack: Because last night when I went to bed I heard my mom and dad. My dad says to my mom: ""shut off the light, you're gonna eat the whole thing""

A student has a long and stressful summer When he gets back to school, his teachers first assignment is for the pupils to write about their summers. The student, not having had a good summer, asked the teacher if he could write about another topic. The Teacher refused and told him if he did not write about his summer he would recieve a 0. When the day to turn in the assignment comes, the student does not turn anything in. When the Teacher gives him a 0, the he decides to go to the principle to e…

5th grade teacher: ""You have more wrong answers than your whole class combined. I have never seen one person make so many mistakes."" Student: ""Well... not *one* person. My dad helped me too.""

A botanist, a forager and a gender studies professor are stranded on and island On this island, they encounter some hungry natives. The chief says to collect some fruits, but they can't be berries, as it would be too easy. If they got a berry, they would be instanly executed; if not, they would be free to leave. All three of them were subscribed to /r/jokes, so knowing the joke, they all split up to find small non-berries. The botanist comes back with blackberries, the forager comes back with ra…

Teacher asks her students... A teacher asks her students: ""OK children. There are 10 birds all basking in the sun on a telephone line. If we shoot one, how many are left? Show of hands."" Students raise their hand and Johnny is chosen. Johnny says: ""None. Because the gunshot will scare the rest and they'll fly away"" The teacher stunned at the response says:"" No... the answer is 9, but I like the way you think."" Johnny says:"" OK teach. I got one for you...... 3 ladies are eating an ice crea…

One day in bible class... A teacher was giving a lesson and was telling the pupils that we came from Adam and Eve. A hand went up and the kid said, ""But my dad told me that we come from apes, Miss?"" Miss replied, ""Stay out of this one, Leroy!""

This Exam Is FINAL Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid ""A"". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they…

Getting the message a cross... A boys parents were worried about their son not wanting to learn maths at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. The parents are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end…

Marie was tired during scripture class And she kept falling asleep at her desk, halfway through the class the teacher asked her a question, ""Marie who is a lord above?"" James her friend behind her notices she is asleep and with a pin pokes her. Suddenly she yelled ""GOD!"" as she is pricked by the sharp pin. ""Very Good!"" The teacher said. Only minutes after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her another question, ""Who died on the cross for our sins Marie?"" And James notices she is asl…

Kill the time Teacher - How did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or Internet? Smart student - i've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters...

Boy pokes girl with a pencil A boy sits behind a girl he likes in Catholic school and he shows it by poking her in the back with a pencil. One day during class the teacher asks: ""Who was the one that created the universe?"" The boy pokes the girl with his pencil and she jumps up and says: ""Oh God!"" Afterward the teacher asks: ""Okay, who's the one that died for our sins?"" The boy pokes the girl with his pencil a second time and she jumps up and says: ""Jesus Christ!"" The teacher then asks: …

NSFW Why was the guitar teacher arrested? He got caught fingering a minor

Slogan A High School teacher was lecturing her class on why companies advertise and what they do to make people remember them. ""That's why companies have slogans,"" he explained. ""For example, who can tell me which company says, 'I'm loving it!'"" To which the students reply, ""McDonald's!"" All the students knew that one. ""How about 'My Baloney has a first name.'"" To which some of the students said ""O-S-C-A-R."" He mentioned a few more, and discovered that his class was pretty savvy about …

An Italian classics professor... ...goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: ""Euripides?"" The professor replies: ""Yes. Eumenides?""

Reddit, I'm worried... Today, I got a note from my son's teacher. It said: ""If you promise not to believe anything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.""

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are enrolled in a university physics class. The day before the exam, they realize that they are in way over their heads. So, they come up with a plan to steal the answer key from the professor's office. That night, they pick the lock, check his desk drawers, and sure enough find the 100-question multiple choice answer sheet. They snap a picture of it and spend the remainder of the night carefully writing the answers on their arms. The next morning, they are seated…

I just asked my dad what his favourite part about being a teacher is... He responded with June, July, and August

Their First Anatomy Class! . The Students of MBBS were attending Their 1st Anatomy Class, They all Gathered around the Surgery Table with a Real Dead Dog. The Professor put His Finger in Dog's nose & Tasted it by putting his finger into his mouth. Then He asked the Students to do the Same, The students Hesitated for several Minutes, But atlast EveryOne inserted their Finger in Dog's nose & Tasted it, . . When everyone finished, The Professor looked at Them & Said: The most important …

I hated the new X-men movie. Professor X was so lame.

Little Johnny And Vibrator A Teacher Asks The Class To Name Things That End With Tor And That Eat Things The First Little Boy Says: ""Alligator."" Teacher: ""Very Good, That's A Big Word."" The Second Boy Says: ""Predator."" Teacher: ""Yes, That's Another Big Word. Well Done."" Little Johnny Says: ""Vibrator, Miss."" After Nearly Falling Off Her Chair, She Says: ""That Is A Big Word, But It Doesn't Eat Anything."" Johnny: ""Well My Sister Has One And She Says It Eats Fuking Batteries Like There'…

TIL that when a teacher is unable to make it to class, they will temporarily hire a... Oh wait, wrong sub.

In high school I hooked up with my teacher... She was really into me... I mean I was home schooled, but still!

Statistically speaking, every male has had a crush on a teacher... For me, it's my wife's yoga instructor.

A time-traveller and his student.. A college professor at a small college had just invented time-travel. He knew he couldn't trust just anyone with this secret, so he chose to tell only his best student; an african-american student named Mark. When the professor told him, Mark was shocked! ""So what do you plan to do with you time-machine?"" Mark asked. ""I'm going to kill Hitler when he was a child"" The professor responded. Mark was both appalled and intrigued, so he asked the professor if he …

ELI5 What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about? Ooops... wrong sub.