Teacher Jokes

How to sell toothbrushes Monday at school, the teacher lined up all the students and had them present their weekend homework: their assignment was to sell something and give a presentation on effective salesmanship. Sally was up first. ""I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to people's sense of civic duty and I credit that for my success."" ""Very good, Sally,"" said the teacher. ""Next?"" Jenny went next. ""I sold magazines and I made $45,"" she said. ""My a…

A Sunday School teacher asks her kids, what is Jesus' name? Johnny violently shakes his hand from the back. The teacher calls on him and he says ""Jesus' name is Andy"". The teacher, confused, asks ""What do you mean"". Johnny replies "" Well we always sing about him at church,"" Andy talks with us, Andy walks with us""

Did you hear about the dyslexic science teacher? He was teaching the Law of Conversation.

Little Timmy's Dream Little Timmy has been having nightmares. He just dreamt that his grandpa Jack died. The next day he wakes up and his father tells him that grandpa Jack died. Timmy is agitated but thinks it was a coincidence. The next day, he has a dream that his friend Jane dies. He goes to school, and the teacher announces that she is dead. Timmy runs home and tells his dad that he has dreams that come true. He dreamed that grandpa Jack and his friend Jane died and they did. His dad tells …

Casino Money A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of th…

Teacher to student: ""Make a sentence using the word ""I"" Student: ""I is.."" Teacher: ""No that is not correct, you should say I am"" Student: ""Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet""!

My Most Favorite When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. ""I have an idea, boss,"" his chauffeur said. ""I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."" Eins…

My English professor had a colonoscopy... Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

A chemistry teacher is having problems with her desktop... So she asks the class: ""How do I unfreeze my computer?"" After a few seconds, one student raises their hand and responds: ""What's the melting point?""

Sticky Situation Somewhere in the US a there is a University (obviously) and in that university there is a professor who have two students who always attend their classes. However that's about to change. P. S (i suck at openings) When the professor is teaching, he noticed that two of his students who always sit in the back, Tom and Ellen is absent. The professor shrugged it off and continued teaching thinking that those two have their own reasons. A week goes by and other lecturers mentioned tha…

My immunology professor doesn't like jokes My Immunology professor said he doesn't like jokes. I told him, ""Well, then it sounds like you're a pretty healthy guy! You seem like you have strong humoral immunity.""

Eeeyy You Dirty Mind A beautiful girl goes to Professor cabin and say that i will do anything to pass in the exams and professor says NOW OPEN YOUR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Books And Study

Don't ask the Norse professor about his old subject... It's a Thor subject. And he still doesn't want to Friggen talk about it.

Music Joke Nobody could find Beethoven's teacher because he is Haydn.

Teacher to russian student: Boris, beware, I have eyes in my back! russian student: What Are you braging about? I came from Chernobyl, I had a tail!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, ""What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, ""You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, ""Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?""Little Mary's mouth fell open. Th…

What did the science teacher say when the kid was experimenting with magnets? ""May the force be with you""

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, ""And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"" Annie replied, ""Because people are sleeping""

Calculus The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they h…

A Nun Pun [x-post from /r/Catholicism] Fifth grade teacher Sister Agnes was leading her parochial school class in an arts and crafts activity; tie-dying t-shirts. A couple of unruly students were getting a bit reckless with their bottles of dye when they accidentally spilled several ounces of pink pigment down the back of Sister Agnes. The jaws of every kid in the class dropped as they watched to see how the aging nun would react. Their amazement only grew as her worn and slightly faded garment …

I asked a music teacher what is sooo hard about playing a violin... she said it's kinda fiddely.

A trigonometry professor attends a frat party at UCLA I heard he wore a soc-alt-oga.

A teacher is teaching her class about animals. She has a list of barnyard creatures on the board and is asking the children what foodstuffs can be derived from each. ""What does the pig give us?"" Several hands go up. ""Bacon."" ""Sausages."" She nods, points to the next. ""The chicken?"" ""Chicken."" ""Eggs."" And then she comes to the last animal. ""Finally, what does the cow give us?"" A single hand goes up. ""Homework.""

A teacher walks into class... And he says, ""Everyone, turn in your homework."" The first student says, ""I left mine in my locker."" The teacher says, ""Theres no one in the hallway, so you go get it!"" The second student says, ""I left mine in the library."" The teacher says, ""Be very quiet, but you go get it quickly!"" The third student says, ""I left mine in the girls locker room and I can't go get it because the volleyball team is in there."" The teacher says, ""You stay here, I'll go get …

English and Art teacher talk... English and Art teacher talk. English teacher: ""What do you teach?"" Art teacher:""Advanced Art."" English teacher:""Hence fancy scarf."" Art teacher:""Yes, what do you teach."" English teacher:""Advanced English"" Art teacher:""Hence hence?""