School Jokes

So this Isreali send his son to university in Jerusalem... The son comes back on holiday and breaks it to his father that he is now a Christian. The father is completely distraught and runs out the back door. His neighbor sees and ask him what is wrong. ""My son! He goes to Jerusalem and returns a Christian!"" he cries. The neighbor nods his head and say, ""You know, funny you should mention that. My son did the same thing. Lets go talk to the Rabbi."" So they go to synagog and ask to see the Ra…

The Three Daughters There once was a very successful farmer with 3 beautiful daughters daughters, all in high school. It was a Friday night, and they all had dates. The farmer, wanting to protect his girls, made sure to talk to the boys before letting his daughters out to go on the dates. The first boy came to the house and greeted the farmer. ""Hi! My name is Bill, I'm here to pick up Jill so we can go have a picknick on the hill."" The farmer got Jill and the couple left. A few minutes later, …

An Email Exchange **An Email Exchange Between A Husband and A Wife On Friday Afternoon :** >*My Dear Wife,* > I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, unfortunately, I have certain needs that you can no longer fulfill. >Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 21 year old personal assistant at the Sheraton as a personal insult. >Please don't be upset----I shall be hom…

A boy and a girl in a classroom... The girl crumples a paper and throws it at the boy's head: \- Head shot! The boy picks up his math manual, goes to her and slams the manual in her face: \- Face book!

The Doctor stuck a finger in my bum... For a prostate exam. He said ""All's fine."" I said ""Stick another finger in there, please."" He asked ""why?"" I said ""I want a second opinion.""

An elderly asian man gets into a car accident and has to re-do his eye exam for the DMV. He fails, and goes to the doctor. While examining him, the doctor says ""well, I can see the problem here. You have cataracts."" The old man responds, ""I don't have cataract! I have rincoln continental!""

A woman walks into the Social Worker's office, trailed by 15 kids WOW, the social worker exclaims, Are they ALL yours? Yeah they're all mine, the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, Sit down Terry. All the children rush to find seats. Well, says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names. This one's my oldest - he is Terry. OK, and who's next? Well, this one he is Terry, also. The social worker raise…

Reddit, my girlfriend is having a kind of crappy day. Any good jokes I can tell her to lift her spirits? The last few weeks have been pretty tough for her, and we're in different states because of school, so I can't be there. I'm trying to lift her spirits by texting her jokes. Any help would be much appreciated.

A 3rd grade student would always answer ""It depends"" to every question his teacher asked... The teacher got tired of it, so he told the director that he couldn't continue teaching to that student. The director told the teacher to take the next day off because he would give the class the next day. The next day, the director entered the classroom, introduced himself and then started making questions to the student. -""How much it's 2+2?"" -""It depends. If it's horizontal 22, if it's vertical 4.…

Robots, they smack the truth out of you One day dad brought home a robot that would slap the one who told a lie! Dad (to son who just came home): Where have you been? Son: College? Robot slapped son. Dad: I was very disciplined and talented at your age. Robot slapped dad. Mother (laughing): That's because he's your son. Robot slapped mother.

I really like long story jokes, that have crap punchlines at the end. anybody got any others? There was once a kid called Adrian. Now, Adrian lead quite a sheltered life - he lived with his family on an onion farm, and had never ventured outside of his county. But, Adrian managed to get a place at a prestigious university. He felt it would be ludicrous to turn down his place - despite the fact he knew for sure he would quickly get homesick. Sure enough, after a couple of days at university he wa…

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, ""Where did you get such a great bike?"" The second engineer replied, ""Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ""Take what you want."" The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, ""Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.""

Glass Eye A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentaly swallowed his glass eye. He worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed intstructions.....which were to undress & bend over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was the eye starring right back at him. ''You know, ''said the doctor, ''you really have to learn to trust me.''

Headed to the Gyno... I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quic…

Moral of the Story. A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, ""My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eg…

Little Johnny A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, ""What's so funny Pat?"" ""Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."" ""Get out of my classroom,"" she yells, ""I don't want to see you for three days."" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she re…

...How did you do it? There was once a train operator who had been driving trains for well over 20 years. Over the course of his career, he had experienced a number of close calls in the accident department. At long last, sadly, he hit a schoolbus full of children on its way out of the elementary school parking lot, killing every single one of them. Unsurprisingly, he was put on trial for a number of counts of manslaughter in the first degree. After several hours of deliberation, he was convicte…

A rottweiler, a poodle, and a german shepherd are sitting at the vet... The German shepherd turns to the poodle. ""So, why are you here?"" The poodle hangs his head. ""My master left me in the house for a whole day, so I couldn't help it, I had to go on the floor! He's kind of a prick, so he's putting me down."" The two other dogs shake their heads. The poodle asks the rottweiler, ""How about you, why are you here?"" The rottweiler grunts. ""My master's got a five year old boy. He kept pulling m…

Computer scientists and engineers 'A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. The decide to take the train. The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash and buy a single ticket. The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun. The conductor comes around to get the tickets and all the computer scientists disappear into the bat…

It started as a prank in a college science lab He was eventually arrested for terrorism. It was a drug that made people's farts visible. For days across the city, arrays of colored clouds emitted from everyone. He'd put it in the water supply.

Just discovered this subreddit (r/jokes). I have a vision of it being a place where you can find new jokes you can actually tell IRL, unlike r/funny where links are often pics/etc. that don't transfer to conversational situations easily. That's all I wanted to say well, plus it would be cool if people cross-posted threads from r/funny and r/humor that contain IRL-ready jokes. I'll make one contribution: in searching for a good knock-knock joke (not an easy task), my friend told me the following…

Three Holy Men & a Bear A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee, and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to conve…

Michael is very shy and has low self-esteem because he is missing an eye, and his poor parents could only afford a wooden false eye. He doesn't have many friends, and he's terrified of girls, although there is one girl he has his eye on. Her name is Betsy, and she has a hair-lip. The school dance is coming up in a few days, and it seems like absolutely everyone has a date. Everyone, that is, except for him and Betsy. It takes him quite awhile, but finally he works up the courage to approach her.…

Racist joke time! Last night my daughter walked into the living room and said ""Dad, cancel my allowance, stop paying my college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPad, and jewelry and give it to charity. Sell my car and take my front door key and throw me out of the house."" Well, she didn't actually put it like that. She said, ""Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed.""

A man buys himself a lie detecting robot... A man buys himself a lie detecting robot, but it has a unique feature. When someone lies, the robot slaps them. The man wants to test it out so he brings it down to the dinner table one evening. As they are eating the man asks his son if he was at school today, the boy says yes and the robot slaps him. The man asks his son if we was playing at the arcade, the boy says no, the robot slaps him. Finally the boy asks his Dad if he went to work, the dad sai…