School Jokes

A friend of mine is going to cosmetology school... I told her all the tests will be make-up exams.

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class... Saul was asked to spell ""cultivate,"" and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: ""Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.""

Girls think shrinkage is funny but I just think they're jealous, because the same principal does not apply to them.

Guy takes his girlfriend to the prom... So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do. First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist. Finally he gets the corsage and has his tux and he's gotta go rent a limo. But there's this huge line when he…

Lake Zurich High was closed down Monday due to reports of a suspicious package. For help, Police called in Jerry Sandusky, who investigates high school packages all the time. x-post from [r/headlinesjokes](http://www.reddit.com/r/headlinejokes/)

I was going to go to Psychic School... ...But I couldn't afford the intuition fee.

Just write spaghetti For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18, and also pay for college. She ......agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it di…

Well, say what you will about Jerry Sandusky... At least we know he drives slowly through school zones.

My friend just passed the bar exam. I need lawyer jokes. GO! What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? . . . Stick his bill up his ass.

My school is having a best joke contest tomorrow... gimme your best All I got is How do you spot a vegan at a party? Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I was actually president of the anti-voting club in high school ... I never got re-elected

Boys in the girls' dorm During college orientation the chancellor addressed the incoming class. ""The girls' dormitory will be off-limits to male students,"" he said. ""Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for his first infraction, $100 for the second time it happens and $250 if he is caught again."" A male student stood up and shouted, ""How much for a season pass?""

the talking dog A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. ""Dad,"" he says, ""You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"" ""That's amazing,"" his Dad says. ""How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"" ""Just send him down here with $1,000"" the young cowboy says. ""I'll get him in the course."" So, h…

Death of a College Student I was having some trouble in my Physics class; I just couldn't understand some of the things I was being taught. I decided to go to office hours to try to learn directly from my professor. Even in office hours, the other students were much better than me, and I was constantly getting questions wrong. The professor noticed my frustration and took me up to the roof for a private chat. He took me by the shoulder, and said that I had a lot of potential here. Then the rat-b…

Two college grads are standing at a counter... The one says to the other ""I'll have a number 6, super sized""

So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long) So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember…

What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaay! ( I didn't hear this joke until college.)

Name the bird... In a bio practical exam - Examiner: Here are few pictures of bird legs. You got to identify the bird by just looking at the the legs. Here you go. Name the first bird in here. Kid: I don't know. Examiner: What!! you don't know ..what kind of an answer is that. I got to mark you down kido. What's your name? Kid: Look at my legs & tell my name.

Offensive Teacher. Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools, tired of constantly moving around i said to him ""Son if this keeps happening they are going to ban you from teaching altogether.""

A lipstick problem. A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. Th…

Smartest Kid in 1st Grade A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.…

Little Johnny missed schoool today... Little Johnny missed school today, so not wanting to miss his after school band rehearsal he decided to call the front office. ""Hello this is Johnny I missed school today, what time will band rehearsal be today?"" The secretary on the line answered, ""I'm sorry Johnny, you must not have heard, Mr. Jones had a heart attack and died there will be no band rehearsal."" Little Johnny said ""Thank you."" then hung up. A few minutes later the secretary hears the p…

Mom, mom, everyone at school says I have a big mouth... dont listen to them honey, but bring the shovel so I can give you your medicine.

So I was listening to some old-school French rap the other day I think the group was called the Oui-Tang Clan

""How did you go in the exam on Nazi invasions?"" ""I blitzed it.""