School Jokes

Good Polish Joke A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, ""That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."" To which the first replies, ""Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"" As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, ""What part of the old country are you from?"…

Little Johnny : I like the way you think An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, ""If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, ""None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away."" The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, ""No, there would be one --the one that the farmer shot."" …

Blonde School Girl A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: ""Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"" ""Yes, darling, very good."" Answers the mom. ""Is that because I'm blonde?"" she asks. ""Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde."" The mom says. Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: ""Mummy, today at school we learnt…

A black, a mexican, and a white kid are in a classroom learning about nouns. The teach asks the class to pick two nouns at random and after some debate ""liver"" and ""cheese"" are selected. The teacher informs the children that they will be making sentences with these two nouns. First she calls on little Billy, the white kid, ""Billy, can you use liver and cheese in a sentence?"" ""When my father serves liver he makes it with a side of cheese"" replies Billy. ""Very good, the teach exclaims, ho…

One of my favorites A little boy and his mother are in a department store shopping one afternoon. The mother decides to try some clothes on and tells her son to wait outside the changing room for her. A few minutes later she walks out to find her son has his hand up the dress of a mannequin in the store. She quickly rushes over and slaps her sons hand exclaiming ""don't ever stick your hand up a girls dress!"" The boy seems confused and asks why. His mother explains that ""girls have teeth up th…

Guinea Pig When I was five years old, my teacher asked me if I wanted to take the school guinea pig home. Seven months later, I arrived in the African republic of Guinea.

You don't have to study for a pregnancy test... but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

Three women walk into a doctors office... (x-post from r/funny) ...So the doctor calls in the first one in for her exam. she takes off her shirt and has a big H tattooed on her chest. The doctor asks why there is an H on her chest to which she says: ""My husband went to Harvard and he likes to see the H when we do it."" The doctor finishes his exam and sends her on her way. The doctor calls the second one in. When she takes off her shirt, the doctor notices a big Y on her chest. When the doctor …

A law student's logic A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind. Student: ""Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"" Professor: ""Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"" Student: ""OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll ha…

Collage Finals At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an ""A"" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morn…

Philosophy Major: True story With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience. ""Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it."" He looks at one student and asks, ""What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy."" The student says, ""They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.""

The absent minded professor recently moved to a new home. His wife knew that he would forget the new address so she wrote it on a piece of paper and made sure that he would keep it. After 5 minutes of lecturing the professor went to the university, and then, of course, lost the note. So he went back to his old home to see if he could retrace his steps. Luckily he sees a little girl playing jump rope, and he asks ""Excuse me, but do you know where Dr. Brown moved to?"" The girl replies ""It's oka…

Roger the Living Head [Story Joke] So there's this newly married couple, and they love each other quite a bit. So they decide they're going to have a child. Nine months goes by and it's time for the child to be delivered, but when the doctors pull the baby out, it is only a head. It's still crying and healthy, but it has no body besides its head. The doctors are amazed, but the parents are heartbroken. They decide that they are going to name the baby Roger after his father's father, and that the…

The Tortured Life of a Tractor Enthusiast (Very Shaggy Dog Joke!) So there was this guy Dave, and Dave had always loved tractors despite being a city boy. Ever since he had been 5 years old he had wanted to own one in particular, a massive green John Deere with yellow wheels. For his tenth birthday his parents brought him a poster of this tractor and Dave worshipped it. He had this poster above his bed and would gaze at it for hours before he went to sleep. As soon as he was old enough Dave drop…

Hey reddit, check out my corny math joke! Q: What is a math student's least favorite movie?? A: ""Signs"" Bahaha, right?? Am I right??

Washing cars One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. ""Wow,"" he thought to himself, ""that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!"". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minutes before carrying on his journey home. Over dinner, he mentions this bicycle to his parents and how he desires to one day buy it for himself. His parents being the type to teach thei…

The principal of a school stops by a teacher's room... and tells her, ""I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, you're going to have three new students today, from out in the country."" The teacher prepares three new desks, and waits all morning, but no new students show up. That is, until one boy in a pair of overalls runs in at about 10:00 a.m. and says, ""Sorry Miss Teacher, ma'am. I was on the top of Blueberry Hill till just now, and then I see the time and come a-runnin!"" The teacher excuses…

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian. Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them: Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism. Jimmy Carter said ""you know, in our country we have prote…

A joke from my high school Latin teacher. This is why I still check Facebook Scientists had developed a race of genetically engineered porpoises that could live forever. Getting bored after many years of intellectual study, the porpoises asked their keeper to get them a book on Latin poetry that could amuse them. On the way back to the aquarium, the keeper spied a lion asleep on the road. Afraid to wake the lion, he quietly stepped over it and was immediately confronted by two FBI agents who pro…

The Balloon Boy A balloon boy was walking to school one day when he found a safety pin. He picked it up and went to class. During class he was playing about with it when he accidentally flicked it at his friend, who immediately started to deflate. He freaked out and ran out of the room, bumping into the door on the way out and puncturing it - so the school started to deflate too. He was really freaked now and ran straight into the school principal with the same result. He ran from the school all…

A young divinity student is sent from Montana to the Bronx. When he approaches the church where he was assigned, a young lady approaches him and says, ""Hey father, want a blow job? Fifty bucks."" He doesn't know what the girl means but assumes it isn't appropriate, so he declines. After being intruduced to the staff at the church, he pulls an older nun aside and says, ""Forgive me sister, but what's a blow job?"" She replies, ""Fifty bucks, same as on the street."" And yes.. I know it's an old …

Father receives a super high phone bill, but he always makes his phone calls at work... so he asks his wife about it. She replies: ""It's not me, you know I always use the telephone on the grocery store I work at"". So he asks his son about it: ""It's not me, you know I always use the telephone at university."" Then he turns at his daughter: ""Not me either, I always use the one at school..."" Everybody turns the face to the foreign housekeeper that started last month: ""Why are you looking so a…

Career Change A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skill-ful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came bac…

Two Parents Want to Adopt a Child... so they head down to adoption agency. They say to the matron, ""We'd like to adopt a child please."" She responds, ""Well, we only have one child left. And he's a head."" ""What?"" ""He has no arms or legs. He's really just a head, poor thing."" But the new parents decide they want him anyway. So they take him home, and he has a great childhood. He does well in school, learns to overcome his disability, and his parents support him. Eventually, he turns 21 and…

How to keep kids from acting up in class A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a…