School Jokes

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess... The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. ""If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day,"" the teacher explains. ""Tommy, what'd you do for recess?"" she asks the first student. ""Well,"" Tommy begins, ""I played in the sand box with Suzy!"" ""Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gol…

No problems A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of…

I went in for a check up... Everything seemed to be going fine. Then all of a sudden the doc stuck his finger up my butt! I freaked out a bit. Is this a normal part of the exam? I'm thinking of finding a new dentist.

A kindergarten teacher... A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word ""definitely"" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said ""The sky is definitely blue"". The teacher said, ""Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy"". Another student says, ""Grass is definitely green."" The teacher again replies ""I…

Why do so many American kids die in school shootings? They're not allowed to run in the halls. [-Jimmy Carr](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpxmKKtbw7w)

A Touching Elephant Story In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife,…

A female philosophy student fails her exam... A female philosophy student fails her exam. Frustrated she approaches her tutor and asks her ""Do you know anything about the subject you teach?"" She replies ""Of course, I wouldn't be a tutor otherwise."" The girl says "" Ok, I'll ask you a philosophical question. If you can answer it, I'll accept my failure, If you can't give me full marks."" The tutor accepts. The girl asks ""What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither lega…

Catholic School Girls A bus full of Catholic School Girls go off the side of a cliff and everyone dies. As they all line up before the Pearly Gates St. Peter approaches them and says, ""Girls, you all may enter Heaven. First, however, if you have ever touched male genitalia you must dip whatever part of your body touched it into the Holy Water."" The first two girls go and just dip their hands. Suddenly a commotion begins at the back of the line. As a girls runs up to the front of the line St. P…

a kid at school the teacher told the students... ""i will let you out of class early if you get the next questions right""...... first question.. what is the capital of texas..... michael raised his hand and said AUSTIN she let him go.... a few seconds later johnny threw a peice of paper at the teacher and hit her in the face... she got mad and asked WHO THREW THAT johnny said I DID and took off cuz he got the answer right..... feak...

Little Johny comes home one day... Little Johny came home from school one day, and while walking down the hall to his room, happened to look into his parent's room. He saw his mom laying on the bed with dad on top, going at it. At that moment, his dad looked over, and gave a little half grin to Little Johny all while going at it harder on his mom. Little Johny walked down the hall and out of sight of dad. When they were finished, dad told mom what happened, and mom exclaimed, ""You better go ex…

A man drives home from the musical instruments store... ... he has just bought a new drumset for his 10 year old son's birthday. He is going about 30 miles per hour through a residential neighborhood and listening to the radio when a Nickelback song comes on. He is annoyed and starts changing the channels. While he is distracted, his pickup truck (a blue Ford F-150) hits a speed bump at 30 mph. He immediately worries about the drumkit that he just bought, he looks back and sees a drum and two cy…

I took a Holocaust class in college. Instead of A's the professor gave out gold stars.

A True Story During high school, a few friends of mine worked at a restaurant for a retirement center. There were four of us driving in a car and my friend was telling the others who also worked there, ""Ilene and Peggy got hella mad at each other today."" Even though I didn't work there I stopped him saying, ""Wait, Ilene and Peggy?"" He looked at me and I simply asked, ""Were they fighting over a fake leg?""

Engineering student show up to his lab partner's house with a new bike... His partner says, ""wow.. that's a pretty nice bike you got there."" Engineering student says, ""yeah, I was outside my dorm last night when a co-ed rode up on it. She was really drunk. She threw the bike on the ground and took off all of her clothes and said 'you can have whatever you want.'"" Partner says, ""it's a good thing you chose the bike... I don't think the clothes would have fit you.""

High school girls are a lot like heaven... ...hard to get in to. -[Dylan Mandlsohn](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XwGpz91IDo)

Two engineering students and a bicycle... Two buddies in engineering school are walking around campus. One is pushing around a bicycle. The other says ""Hey, how did you get the new bike?"" His friend replies, ""Crazy thing happened the other day, I was walking back from class, when this beautiful blonde girl rode up to me on this bicycle, threw it down and ripped off all her clothes. She threw open her arms and screamed 'take anything you want!' So I took the bike."" The other goes ""Good choic…

Converting Units: 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megah…

Golf Match. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. ""Your holiness,"" said one of the Cardinals, ""Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."" The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. ""Not to worry,"" said the Cardinal, ""we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We…

So I was standing behind this girl I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke. I tapped her on the shoulder and said ""Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"" She smiled and asked, ""what?"" As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

Some grade school humor What's brown and sticky? * ** *** **** *** ** * A Stick!!

Eating Your Homework Mom: Billy, why are you eating your homework? Billy: The teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Old school chicken joke Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and crossed the road again? Because he was a dirty double-crosser!

Jack A husband rushes into the emergency room from work to greet his wife who is giving birth to their first born. He helps all he can; he holds his wife's hand and breathes with her through the pain. The doctor claims to see the head. The husband runs around and watches as this bloody, mess of a human being comes out... However, the doctor pulls out a head. Just a head. The husband jumps in confusion. The wife is silent in shock. The doctor has never seen anything like it. Just when the married…

""Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures."" Edwin Louis Cole Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. ""What is your name?"" asked the teacher. ""Jassem"". . .. answered the kid. ""You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,"" replied the teacher. In the evening, Jassem returned home. ""How was your day, Jassem?"" asked his mother. ""My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "" ""Ah, are you asham…

An arab child Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. ""What is your name?"" asked the teacher. ""Jassem""- answered the kid. ""You are in America now, From now on your name will be Johnny,"" replied the teacher. In the evening, Jassem returned home. ""How was your day, Jassem?"" asked his mother. ""My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "" ""Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your herita…