School Jokes

Got disoriented and walked into the wrong classroom. Didn't want to look stupid so I just went ahead and switched majors.

A father asked his son how baking school was going ""I knead some dough.""

An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already... Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. ""To the class of '55!"" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, ""To the class of '55!"" ""Where you from?"" asks the first man of the second after they both toast. ""I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."" ""You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"" The two men drink to their hometown. ""What high school did you go to?"" Ask the se…

A Classic! A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in …

Johnny's on a Roll (With his two black balls)(SFW) Ms Wendall was a first grade teacher who had a bit of a morbid sense of humor. One day she said to the class, ""I have an interesting idea. Everyday, I will ask a very hard question and who ever can answer it will get to leave the class early. You can't look up the answer on a smart phone or computer, you just have to know it."" The class is intrigued, so they so they take up. Ms Wendall's offer. By the end of the class, Ms. Wendall asks the fir…

What is cold? (note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32) +10C The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating. The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers. +5C The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the horizon) +2C Italian cars won't start. 0C Pure water freezes. -1C Exhaled air becomes visible. Time to book some holidays around the Mediterranean. The Laps eat ice-cream & drink cold beer. -4C The cat wants to share my duv…

A young teacher is teaching vocabulary to her first grade class. She draws an apple on the blackboard and asks, ""can anyone tell me what this is?"" ""That's an ass."" says a student in the back. ""No..."" ""That's definitely an ass."" says another student. After a few similar exchanges the frustrated teacher starts to cry. The principal walks by the classroom and notices the sobbing teacher, walks in, and immediately understood what was going on. ""You rascals!"" he yells, ""I want whoever drew…

A man left a letter for his wife on the dining table The letter read: ""To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset...I shall be home before midnight."" When th…

Crazy Old White Guy: Best Aggie Joke for 2012: The Aggie Tree Expert A new graduate from Texas A&M named Bubba from College Station Texas decided to travel across the State of TEXAS to see God'S country. When he got to CARTHAGE in east TEXAS, he liked the place so much that he decided to stay. But first he had find a job!!!! Bubba walked into the International Paper Company office and filled out an application as an experienced log inspector. It was his lucky day!! They just happened to be …

Sociology homework. I need to compile ten jokes. 5 from females, 5 from males. Could I please get jokes, as well as genders?

It's Career Day at the Elementary School... ...and everyone's dad comes in to give a presentation about their job. The first dad up is a firefighter. Next is a policeman. Then a banker, and so on, until everyone's dad has gone up to talk about their job, except one. ""Where's your father, Bobby?"" the teacher asks. ""He died 2 years ago"" Bobby replies. ""Well, why don't you tell us what he did before he died?"" says the teacher, to which Bobby responds, ""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG…

Important Punctuation So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board. The teacher asks him, what's that? Timmy then replies, it's a period! Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell? Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my sister said she missed hers. Mommy fainted, Daddy got a heart attack, and the man next door shot himself in the head.

Yee-haw Emotional extremes The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. ""Just to establish some parameters,"" said the professor to the student from Arkansas, ""What is the opposite of joy?"" ""Sadness,"" said the student. And the opposite of depression?"" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. ""Elation,"" said she. ""And you sir,"" he said to the young man from Texas, ""how about the opposite of woe?"" The Texan replied, ""Sir, I believe that would be …

A teacher I had in high school told me this one. It may better when told out loud rather than read, but it's still funny. A guy wearing nothing but plastic wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist looks at the man and says, ""Well, I can clearly see your nuts""

The exchange student A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said ""Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday in a Rolls-Royce. All my professors arrive by train!"" he soon got a letter back from his father, along with $20 million. His father's letter read ""Dear son, you are embarrassi…

Congratulations to Snooki who gave birth today to a baby boy... 5 NJ High School rings, 2 condoms, and 12 press on nails.

Little kid in sunday school the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; ""And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?"" To which she replied, ""because the old people are sleeping.""

When I get Tired.. I read this and laugh like hell. Must see if you are exhausted I always look for a way to chill out after working for hours in front of my computer..and I never get bored reading the same lines I'm sharing here I smile each and every time..read,refresh and back to work! Enjoy... ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _________________ ATTOR…

An oldie I heard in elementary school Little Johnny has just started kindergarten and doesn't know the alphabet. As things usually happen, the teacher asks Johnny to recite the alphabet. He tells her that he does not know the alphabet, so she tells him to go home and ask his parents to help him learn it. After school, he runs up the driveway and into the kitchen, where his mom is on the phone with a friend. As he runs in, he yells out ""MOM, WHAT'S THE ALPHABET?"" Being the wonderful mother that…

Carpet matches the curtains 10 year olds Andy, Ben, and Chuck are having lunch at school on Monday morning and Andy says, ""My Pa said that Mrs. Jones carpet doesn't match the curtains. What does that mean?"" Ben informs him that it is when a lady's pubic hair doesn't match the hair on her head. Chuck proposes that they see if their respective teachers, Mrs Adams, Ms Brown, and Mrs Carter have matching carpet and curtains. The boys spend the week trying to peek up their teachers' skirts. They me…

Computer gender joke A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ""House"" for instance, is feminine: ""la casa."" ""Pencil,"" however, is masculine: ""el lapiz."" A student asked, ""What gender is 'computer'?"" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ""computer"" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. The …

Good Kid! A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, ""How was school, son?"" His son replied, ""Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!"" His father was overjoyed. He probed, ""Good kid! What was the question?"" His son replied, ""She asked, 'Who farted?' ""

A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye. She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, ""Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."" The guy freaks out. He says, ""I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"" She says, ""I'm your son's Sunday school teacher.""

Merv and his Ears Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running s…

Philosophy final in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final. ""You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."" Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles a…